Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

What I miss…

What I miss, I must remember is not us- but what I wanted us to be, my dreams and aspirations and hopes and longing for us, for what we could be and my scared but anxious belief that we would be those things.

What I miss, I must remember is- essentially my love for you. I loved you with so much vengeance that’s why it drove me crazy- the way it did- your silent treatment. It is what I felt for you, and what is still left of it- there is so much. So much that I can never show, express; so much that you’d never know. It is not, I must remember, how things were but how I wanted them to be.

For even in the toughest moments, I managed to find little moments of sincerity, of joy and honesty. But when I miss them, I must remember the times that were so *so* tough on me and how they made me feel. How you made me feel.

this too shall pass
Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

This too shall pass… or will it?

This too shall pass. Of course, it will. As everything does. But isn’t this sentiment a tad bit too morose to find peace in? In this transient journey of life, don’t you want for something to stick? Some people, some relationships, some promises, some commitments?… The very ‘sticky’ things that’d help you and give you purpose and strength while you’re waiting for something (unpleasant) to pass.

And what about the times when we use this phrase to console ourselves when we’re caught in a conundrum of matters related to the heart? Yes, I’m talking about love, the feelings of adoration, admiration and beyond… Yes, I want to talk about it because that’s where I’m coming from at the moment. And yes, I’ve been here before. Fortunately and unfortunately.

I’m finding both- peace and despair in the sentiment at the moment.

Peace, because I know that no matter what, life will go on, the feeling will be managed even if not exactly forgotten. What will remain (if that’s what’s to happen) will be a memory- a pleasant memory for once hopefully , touch-wood. As things are, as of now. And despair because, that’s not my idea of love (platonic or otherwise)… it has never been. And it’s only fair for it to be this way because there’s no other way for it to be felt truly. If you love, you want it to endure. Perhaps not to possess.. but to endure.

Because you can love from a distance, but it is only natural to want to be close. (I ought to specify that I don’t mean physical distance here.) For you to be theirs and for them to be yours. To be with each other. If you love, you want a happy ending, ideally together. Even in the face of so-called impossibilities and many-a-hurdles, amidst the walls of practicalities, there still burns a flicker of hope. Because, when you’re in love or in something you believe to have the potential to grow into that resounding feeling; how can you find anything but despair at the thought that it won’t stick? That it’s just a passing experience? How can you find joy in the fact that you’d move on to feel it for another or for another to feel it for you? When all you want in this moment is this particular love?


Call it maturity, resilience or finally understanding to strive to vouch for what’s one’s worth, all the romanticism and catharsis aside… I endeavor to love what/who loves me back and in the same core vein as I do. Because, I deserve it, and I deserve more than something unrequited or imbalanced. As do you. And everyone else.

After all, there’s self love too- that must be attained, endured and forever cherished. And then, everything else (unworthy) would be allowed to pass…


Originally written on 6/March/2018.

Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection

Learning, Unlearning, Relearning

learn, unlearn, relearn

I’ve been very busy since the past 3 years.

I landed in Ireland on 1st September 2014. And, ever since then I have worked to not just survive but to create a sustainable life for myself.

It’s not that I haven’t had the privileged opportunity of taking some down time; from free weekends where I no longer had academic obligations to fulfill, to free weekends where I had no obligations whatsoever (not even heartache!) besides thinking about whatever I really wanted to think about- the next steps that need to be taken on an individual level to create the life that I want to lead- personally and professionally. If I had tough days at work, I had a weekend to look forward to recuperate and get ready to face the battles again. It hasn’t been easy. But it has been better. No denying that.

Some things are working out, some efforts have started to show the results of persisting but somethings aren’t working out so well despite soul crushing efforts. Mostly on a more personal front- for we can choose to love and trust people but can’t exactly control their actions in return.

In some ways, I have found my way and in fact, created paths for myself. But in some ways, I have gotten lost…
In ways I thought I never would. But I am trying to figure it all out. Again.

In ways I’m finally approaching (hopefully) a place in my life where I’m going to be able to address some basic human needs better. Finally, enabling me to focus on myself- no excuses left.

It will be challenging but I’m looking forward to it.

I guess, sometimes we take risks, leaps of faith that test our courage. We open up to living life with new perspectives, only to realise that our old ways were probably gold.

I suppose, in such circumstances, it is important to remember the strength of our character and grit for not just trying but in fact, opening up to a whole new world outside our comfort zones. Not something many are capable of. At all.

So what if it didn’t work out? It only made us realise the truth in our inherent values, and gave us a conviction to trust them even more based on evidence and not merely a blind belief system.

I suppose this learning, unlearning and relearning will eventually help us to reach a place where in addition to not being judgemental ourselves, we will also able to deal better with those who are (judgemental) without letting it bother us too much.

It’ll no longer make us angry when someone offers unsolicited advice that assumes a lot of things. But simply enable us to smile and acknowledge that they are at a different stage in their journey.

It’ll be easier to rise above or simply, to forgive.


Introspection, Poems

To be (w)hole

There’s a gaping hole
In my soul.
I no longer merely want to
decorate my house. But
create a home. With
not just things but someone I love.
And, who loves me back. In a way
that fills the cracks in my heart.
There’s no agony.
No more pain.
No reminders of
the bruises of the past.