Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection

Learning, Unlearning, Relearning

learn, unlearn, relearn

I’ve been very busy since the past 3 years.

I landed in Ireland on 1st September 2014. And, ever since then I have worked to not just survive but to create a sustainable life for myself.

It’s not that I haven’t had the privileged opportunity of taking some down time; from free weekends where I no longer had academic obligations to fulfill, to free weekends where I had no obligations whatsoever (not even heartache!) besides thinking about whatever I really wanted to think about- the next steps that need to be taken on an individual level to create the life that I want to lead- personally and professionally. If I had tough days at work, I had a weekend to look forward to recuperate and get ready to face the battles again. It hasn’t been easy. But it has been better. No denying that.

Some things are working out, some efforts have started to show the results of persisting but somethings aren’t working out so well despite soul crushing efforts. Mostly on a more personal front- for we can choose to love and trust people but can’t exactly control their actions in return.

In some ways, I have found my way and in fact, created paths for myself. But in some ways, I have gotten lost…
In ways I thought I never would. But I am trying to figure it all out. Again.

In ways I’m finally approaching (hopefully) a place in my life where I’m going to be able to address some basic human needs better. Finally, enabling me to focus on myself- no excuses left.

It will be challenging but I’m looking forward to it.

I guess, sometimes we take risks, leaps of faith that test our courage. We open up to living life with new perspectives, only to realise that our old ways were probably gold.

I suppose, in such circumstances, it is important to remember the strength of our character and grit for not just trying but in fact, opening up to a whole new world outside our comfort zones. Not something many are capable of. At all.

So what if it didn’t work out? It only made us realise the truth in our inherent values, and gave us a conviction to trust them even more based on evidence and not merely a blind belief system.

I suppose this learning, unlearning and relearning will eventually help us to reach a place where in addition to not being judgemental ourselves, we will also able to deal better with those who are (judgemental) without letting it bother us too much.

It’ll no longer make us angry when someone offers unsolicited advice that assumes a lot of things. But simply enable us to smile and acknowledge that they are at a different stage in their journey.

It’ll be easier to rise above or simply, to forgive.

Amen.

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Introspection, Poems

To be (w)hole

There’s a gaping hole
In my soul.
I no longer merely want to
decorate my house. But
create a home. With
not just things but someone I love.
And, who loves me back. In a way
that fills the cracks in my heart.
There’s no agony.
No more pain.
No reminders of
the bruises of the past.

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This took me so long because when something means a lot- we either want to shout it from the roof tops or we want to not utter a single word and keep it buried somewhere deep within us.

There are these people, around the world (who I think would still remember) what I thought of Linkin Park, Chester Bennington and all those songs. What they did for me back in the day, and TBH continue to do so even today.

Even if their music changed over the years resulting in not so kind feedback at times, I personally couldn’t look beyond this rawness and vulnerability coming forth through the lyrics.

And yesterday, since the news broke out, I haven’t stopped thinking… So many years. So many songs. So many difficult feelings and thoughts.

I’m very, very sorry.

Music, Movies & TV, Soulful Musings

Cultural Appropriation & Stereotypes


Before I say anything else, let me explicitly state that I love and admire Emma in her endeavors towards women empowerment and eradicating ‘myths’ surrounding the big F word today, feminism. For just speaking up when our world desperately needs for the rationals to talk some sense. And of course, for she’s brought to life, Hermoine Granger on the celluloid screen.

So my thoughts are not specifically about her or her video. But certainly, I was “triggered” to finally pen down my thoughts, which have developed over a period of time on seeing this video on my newsfeed.

It is actually getting a little bit ridiculous to watch the unfolding of the sudden awareness in Hollywood about India as an Indian.

After years of cultural appropriation, and ridicule it’s like a bulb has been switched on in this western film fraternity that there’s a multi-billion dollar market that they can tap into so much more. So, let’s get all our “Namastes” in order and oh yeah, pitches for people to watch our movies.

It’s no coincidence that 2 leading Indian film actresses (so far) have been cast as ‘normal people and/or characters’ and not merely stereotypical caricatures in ethnically restricted roles in a big TV film franchise (XXX) and a TV Series (Quantico). More and more actors are suddenly speaking up about their love for ‘Indian fans’ and ‘saag Paneer’. (Which I must admit, was pretty thrilling to know that someone was actually aware of anything beyond the misnomer ‘curry’ when referring to the Indian cuisine. ‘Saag’ and ‘Paneer’. Double brownie points.)

Anyhow, if this phenomenon brings about better awareness of India and its people. If it helps to do away with the stereotypes deeply rooted in ignorance and bigotry. If it helps for people to finally understand that many of us are indeed ‘native English speakers’. It’d be a very welcome change.

I’d be personally delighted to not to be doubted for my English language skills just because I don’t “look” the prejudiced part being “brown” and all of that. Or because I don’t speak in a certain “accent” namely, American, Canadian, Australian, British… you get the drift. It would also be thrilling to see something a whole lot better than music videos like “Lean On” and characters like “Appus & Rajesh” on the celluloid screen to begin with.

So, here’s me hoping that this is just a start for the better. A start for a less prejudiced, more aware world. And, not just towards Indians or India but other ethnicities and countries too. Even if at the moment, it’s all rooted in business calculations and motives.

Namaste.

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

Writing- From A Place Of Pain.

Definitely not deliberately, but some of my best writing has found its roots in some kind of pain or angst. And as it might be evident, the majority of poetry in this very blog was written when my heart was totally shattered. I wonder why this happens?

It’s not that I have not found words in the moments of joy and love. In fact, I really developed as a writer, penning down some of my most emotional and coherent prose, full of soul and passion during that time of my life. Even noticeably impacting my academics (language subjects) rather positively. But that has been a very long time ago. I wonder why, again…

I must admit that I have always admired people who’ve take one form of negativity and channelized into something brilliant. Mostly, I have noticed these are artists and creators of one kind or an other. Videos, Poems, Art… Oh, how I wish sometimes when words evade me, specially in moments of torment that I could just take a pencil and/or some colours and create something beautiful on a piece of paper. Something sans words, yet something very telling of the state within. But alas, I’m not an artist of that sort. Yet.

This word ‘yet’ has a new found place in the dictionary of my life. Because, clichés like never-say-never have becomes words that truly resonate with me now. Besides, for the most part and when it comes to most (positive things) like learning, experiencing or trying something… It’s never too late I suppose. It is always possible to make it happen if you really, really want to…

So for now, I will let the questions just be questions and will close my very tired eyes, and rest my very tired shoulders for a while. Oh god, I have always loved nights!

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