As I’m sitting on the floor, engulfed with certain not so pleasant emotions … I think. I think how hard it is to forgive yourself for something which you think you did wrong. Something that you didn’t expect or ever wanted to do. And how hard it is, to let go.
It doesn’t have to be something “big”. It can be anything. Anything which is seemingly “small” to others. It can be you losing your temper for 5 seconds at your younger sibling/elder sibling/anyone. It can be you crying bitterly in front of strangers. Or it can just be baring the deepest, darkest parts of your soul to someone who just doesn’t care, doesn’t respond and it leaves you feeling naked, exposed and insulted.
I know what it is to deeply despise yourself. I know what it is to know that you don’t have to be so hard on yourself, so hateful, so bitter. I know what it is for one part of your mind to be thinking that it wasn’t so bad or that if you were let down, it wasn’t your fault. So, maybe you cried in a place where you ideally shouldn’t, but that’s okay and only human. And another part of you to be constantly saying, is it?
I know that there are people out there who have actually done wrong things or harmed others or cheated on someone etc. And yet, the seem to love themselves & often don’t even see the wrong done. They just seem to ooze this kind of self confidence and self love.
Now, while I’m not saying that everyone should be like that. I wonder why can’t some of us just make peace with our ownselves? As if the world being unloving to you is not enough that you gotta hate yourself too.
Sometimes I feel, even if I don’t get to that point, it’s okay. But what I really want is to reach out to anyone out there who feels this way. To tell them know that it’s okay. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that you were bullied/are depressed. Stop punishing yourself, being over critical and hating yourself. Do not let negative people get to you. Stop calling yourself names to re-affirm and internalize the negativity that they might be shoving at you. Stop apologizing for being you, ‘cuz if anyone makes you feel that way- being apologetic for who you are; then they’re not worth it in the first place! You deserve to be treated better, to be loved more, to be appreciated for who you are. So, start with loving you!