I haven’t posted anything of this sort before this. (I was feeling extremely hurt since a couple of days. Just wishing for the feeling to pass, begging to the almighty to get me through it because I cannot afford to make things any tougher for me in the present times.) But with quite some hesitation, I’m going to go ahead with this.
I’m really angry right now. I’m so angry that I can’t even breathe right. I am angry and I’m hurt and I’m full of resentment. Maybe a lot of it is due to career related pressures and responsibilities that I’m facing at the moment. But it is mostly all the repressed hurt and feelings.
So, amazing isn’t it that plenty of people cause us heart aches during the journey of life. And yet, those who manage to hurt us the most are the ones that are close to us? It’s these people who have the power to destroy us, and hurt us so bad that it literally feels like there’s a knife in your windpipe.
Oh, the things that people say! It literally amazes me how shallow, conceited or just plain mean can people get. The kind of consuming self-importance with which they live their lives; and the self-righteous bubble that they live in, radiating the ideology that only their way of life is the right one.
Don’t get me wrong, I know better and I put on a brave face through most of it, every day. But I guess, it’s inevitable that at some point, it all gets to you. And right now, it’s one of those times.
One of those times when you literally feel SO alone. You feel the need for a normal human connection. Just someone, anyone. Someone who gets you, who believes you and who doesn’t ridicule you. And, then you realise that there hasn’t been anyone for such a long time.
A situation which probably, isn’t going to change either.
Have you ever tried to open up to someone after mustering up a lot of courage, only to be shot down? Not only is it extremely hurtful and discomforting… but for me, it becomes another reason to beat myself about. “You shouldn’t have said anything in the first place. You knew this was going to happen.” Extremely disappointing, awful and heart wrenching.
Tell someone something and:
1) It falls on deaf ears. Only meeting their stolid front. Doesn’t matter if you’re withering in pain. You might as well be an android to them.
2) Or, they pretend to be listening and are really far from making an effort to understand even a sentence of it.
3) Or, you get the wonderful, “You think a lot.”
Imagine sharing your concerns with someone (be it financial, or any other extremely difficult set of circumstances that you may going through) only to get *that* response out of them.
Oh, I’m sorry that my problem isn’t real enough for you!
I’ve got this at such inappropriate times, in such inappropriate ways that I’m not entirely sure if I should revert back in an equally disgraceful fashion when and if I get it next or not.
I’ve got this from a junkie friend, who told me that “we make things bigger than they are”. Who’s idea in life is to “marry a rich girl because going to work is extremely exhausting.”
On second thoughts, it was probably my own mistake to have been discussing career and employment related issues with this person in the first place. This is a person who has lacked the guts to pursue his passion, bought his way to an A-grade college and lived a life never leaving a chance to run anyone down. Being the person that I am, I have always tried to understand this person’s problems and circumstances, offering a shoulder to cry on whenever possible. But only recently I could see through it all; how this relationship was mostly just tox and have (finally) distanced myself a bit. Nobody’s perfect but hypocrisy is not something I can stand very well. It was a breaking point for me when this person went on a huge rant about how one of our ex-mates was going to a particular college” because it accepts you without standardised scores!” Saying this, when you know your own truth goes to show that you’ve only grown old & hypocritical, not old & wise.
I’ve also got this from a close relative on more than one occasion. I tagged this person (along with other people) on a normal article that I had written about ‘The changing meaning of friendship’ in my early college days. It was a pretty simple write up, nothing too complex. Everyone had something to say and this one has just has to say, “Don’t think a lot. You think too much.” To be honest, I’m not quite sure of the emotion that arose from within me on reading that comment. But till date, I have no response for the same. I don’t know if it’s his/her passive aggressive way to deal with things. But say anything, and that’s the response that you’ll get in return.
-Well, atleast my same junkie friend is very encouraging of me writing.-
I’ve also got this from a rather gifted and able friend who has got it all going in her life, right from a supportive family to a good job which she’s great at. Her only grievance being a case of unrequited love, which I of all people, completely understand is no easy feat to deal with. And hence, I have been there for her, listening to her, advising her, cheering her up since almost a decade. Cut to present scenario, it’s all fine only as long as she is talking. Say anything to her, even something as simple as your plan to eat well. Or begin to share the reason for your own heartache; and all you get in return is a cold “Don’t think so much, your brain will explode”.
What do you say to these people who’ve faced pain, yet not learnt to empathise (unless it’s something concerning themselves)? Who have had to take tough decisions in life, but it doesn’t stop them from passing unsavoury comments on/ judging others, without even knowing their story? Or those who live in their rosy coloured reality and just refuse to see beyond it?
Do you become their partner in crime or a silent spectator? Watching them exhibit their double standards and insensitivity towards everyone but themselves. Or do you choose to retain your integrity even if it gets very lonely at times?
This blog was started by me at a very rough time, in a bid to preserve whatever I can of myself and my sanity through it all. And, today as I broke down while typing this piece, as I cried through it. Really, really cried. I felt that the pain in my throat, the stress in my head slowly started to fade away, after days! The tears stopped flowing. And I felt so much better to let it out for once. Thanks for bearing with my incoherence. I mean it with all my heart. Thank you. God bless.