Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Special Events & Milestones

The first time

letting-go

Person on Phone (PoP): So, how are things between you and XYZ?
I: We’re not together anymore. 

There. I said it today. For the first time. Out loud.
It was the first time that I acknowledged the end of my decade long relationship with a person who was my entire world, the only person I ever had to call my own; to this acquaintance who just probably asked about it in the most casual of ways.

It’s not that no one knew yet. There’s pretty much just one human being that I’ve been interacting with and confiding to since the past year, maybe even longer. But it was the first time that I was asked about ‘the status’ of my relationship by someone and instead of dodging the question, I answered it upfront.

I had thought about this moment. Not obsessively, but a couple of times… it had passed through my head. How, eventually, I would have to own up to the fact that it is over. Probably, to a completely random acquaintance who just wouldn’t realise the weight of the situation during it, or after it’s been done with. But I always knew that it would be a significant moment for me. Because, it signifies a step towards acceptance, a step towards moving on.

It seems like yesterday that I wasn’t even able to reiterate the fact to my own self.  Or even think about it without feeling like my heart had been ripped out from my body, torn apart and set to fire. That lump in the throat, that mortifying disbelief, fear and hollow in the pit of my stomach…

And, today as the words promptly escaped my mouth I was slightly taken aback at what I had just said, and how I had finally managed to say it.
Just as expected, in that moment something changed for me. It was a moment of self-realisation and I daresay, a conquest to some extent. However meaningless and routine it might have been for that person on the phone.
And the response was just as insensitive as I had expected, even though the person had kind of known about the bond, both of us individuals involved and what it had meant to us since the very beginning. I was questioned if it hurt to say it “right now”? Were there any “guys” in my life?

Amazing isn’t it, how something which changes your life, alters your ‘happy’ future and makes you barely survive as a person can just be like any other monotonous news to someone else? Everyone doesn’t have to “get it” or has the capacity to, but for the most part one can expect due amount of respect for a weighty loss that they’ve incurred in life. Or is that asking for too much?

For what it’s worth, it’s over now. All the avoiding of potentially confrontational situations by insignificant others, and keeping conversations superficial with those who didn’t really matter…
The anticipation of “the first time” of this unfortunate admission has been done with.

I must say that I realise today though, that it wasn’t really just the saying it out loud part that I was scared of. But it was the lack of respect given to the situation & the indelicacy of the other person’s demeanor that bothered me more.

Have I completely overcome my hesitation of admission the next time someone asks me? No. Maybe it will never quite be the moment I’ll truly get comfortable with. But I guess, I’m less afraid now. And most of all, I’m glad to know that I have made this personal accomplishment for my own self on the road to healing. My personal momentous conquest after losing it all, and almost losing my life over something so precious and sacred to me. Guess I will survive.

For now.


Weekly Writing Challenge: Collecting Detail

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9 thoughts on “The first time

    • Thank you so much for reading. And indeed, it is extremely hard. I’m on a long way to heal, really. But I’m glad that I found wordpress and amazing people like you who make so much difference to my life by your understanding, kind and encouraging words. It *really* means a lot.
      Thank you so much. 🙂

  1. Hi there, I found your link on the writing challenge page. I just wanted to say I’ve been in exactly the position you describe with your phone call, and can totally identify with the feeling. What I would say, however, is that, in time, you will recover and go on to have other lovely things in your life. Best of luck with your blog and with moving forward.

    • Thank you so much. It’s like too many bad things are happening at the same time in my life right now. I just want to thank you for reading and dropping in a comment. As you’d understand that each understanding & encouraging word, means a lot.
      I wish you all the best too! 🙂

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