Just recently I had this conversation with a friend of mine. I daresay that it wasn’t interpreted as correctly as this piece of writing.
“Maybe the longer I am alone, the more likely it is I stay alone; the more difficult it will be to open up my true self. Without someone to provide resistance to my loneliness, it pushes me further and further from the depth and beauty of human connection. This is what I fear. And this is what perpetuates my loneliness. I’m tired of living life for one.”
My expectation of true human connection contributes directly to the waves of loneliness that swell within me. I feel so disconnected from my friends, my family, the world around me. And when I speak of my loneliness in conversation, it is pushed under a veil of encouragement: “You’ll meet someone. You’re so amazing. It’ll happen.” As if my feelings are incorrect, invalid, and I simply should not feel lonely.
But I am lonely. I feel alone. Despite my ability to talk to any stranger I see or plan a party or perform on stage, I always end up at home. Alone. But the aforementioned positive qualities are momentary. I do not exhibit them constantly. That’s impossible. But they are what people see. Which means their perception of me is based only on a glimpse of truth. They see me in my strong state. As a rock to aid them…
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