This is probably my second diary entry kind of journal. I don’t know if something like this comes under the category of real writing, good writing. But a tornado is brewing inside me. And, I feel the need to type it all out.
Actually, it’s like a second calamity, which brings into forefront the lingering, dormant volcano within.
I don’t even know how to start. I don’t know how I got here. But this is happening to me right now! And, I somehow can’t help it. Or maybe I can and I am not? I don’t know. You tell me. Someone, anyone out there.
Everybody who’s been following my blog, my poems etc may already have an idea that I am undergoing a struggle in order to establish myself as a career woman, to stand up on my feet which is more than just my ambition but a dire necessity for anything else to be possible in my life. And, most of all to gain control of my own life and prevent it from being manipulated by certain significant others in my life. To have a say, in my own life. Alongside, I am dealing with the aftermath of a failed relationship. Which was much more than just a relationship to me, the fact that I cannot be with the love of my life or the love of my life just didn’t love me back in the way that true love really is. As if all this wasn’t enough I see my heart strangled in a totally new situation, which is causing me unbearable amounts of hurt, making me question myself or just driving me insane in short.
It is not something that ‘just happened’ today/yesterday/a couple of weeks ago. It is certainly not something fleeting as I have learnt with time. It has been present all along. I’m just able to immerse myself in other despairs, which are supposed to be more real. Most of all, I know better than to encourage this feeling. Somethings need to be nipped in the bud if at all you let them reach the stage of budding in the first place. But every now and then, a close encounter forces you to face the music. The feeling is so intense and real that you cannot just shrug it away. You find yourself nipping the buds over and over again. Your only option it to not water them, for they bloom at the first sprinkle of water. Then, you realize that maybe what you really need to do is that you need to dig up deep, find the seeds, find the roots, find the source and just rip it all out. Burn, destroy, kill.
But the question is should you or should you not?
What if you’re a hot, dry, vast expanse of barren land, seemingly never ending…
Should you rip the only bud trying to find its way to the ground and blossom?
And what if it’s just a weed? And do you confirm that?
To be continued….