I’m sitting up on my bed, my hair still tangled from my fleeting ride to paradise… and I have no intention to untangle them anytime soon. In fact, I don’t intend to touch them at all for a while. I just want to let them be like this. Just something to preserve from what has trespassed in the past 4 days.
6th February 2014 to 9 February 2014.
I’m very bad at remembering dates. If I were any better at them, I would have remembered every single of them till now. Hence, I need to write them down here, to engrave them for eternity…
I don’t know what to say, I don’t know where to begin… I’ve spent most of the last couple of my existence feeling so deeply overwhelmed about everything, sobbing myself to little naps as my body shook and I listened to songs on my earphones. Trying to drown out the pain a little… to cope. The songs, which seem like my feelings, just marvelously put into words.
But I have been failing miserably thus far.
So many remarkable moments of such intensity, they’ve definitely altered a part of my very core, of whatever had remained of it…
Besides, it has helped me to gain perspective into some often talked about trials of human emotions, feelings and bonds. Not like I had ever undermined the struggles of those who’ve previously mustered up the courage to pour out their hearts about the same, but to feel the very same way perhaps, just changes everything.
It also only emboldened one of my very fundamental values of no judgment. Never. Ever.
How do I say this? You really can’t control what you feel. Specially, when it seems to stem from the very bottom of your heart, your soul and every drop of your blood that runs through your body. But sometimes, some very unfortunate times all you can do about is to accept it and then try to bury it all… use all your might to muffle it all to its last breath.
And, then you’ll realize this… what you’re doing, what’re morally obligated to do is not at all for you after all. It’s to protect them and their happiness alone. Because you clearly aren’t theirs, at least not in the way that you’d want to be. And, all that matters is them not you.
It’s this realization, which should probably make you feel a little less guilty for feeling the way you do, for it’s an indication that your intentions are pure, and your heart and head are in their right place.
Such greedy, pathetic, needy heart! Never stops to bleed love, what it’s always been best at. But you’ve always known, haven’t you? Pumping affection through your entire being, keeping you alive and yet killing you softly; causing you the cruelest degree of excruciating pain. Like the body being denied of oxygen. It makes you wish for it to end. Doesn’t it?
You’ve even considered it. Haven’t you? You reached that point where a part of you was almost convinced that the next right step would be to just end it all? Maybe gulp down all those pills lying in your dresser’s drawers with the last gulp of water that you’d ever take. For now you want nothing more. This is it. It’s like you don’t want to move ahead, you don’t want to get entangled into the mindless cycle of meaningless hopes and desires. Just triggered by a part of our brains, and the society to keep you from dying. “Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.” Nietzsche had said. And, how right he was…
You don’t want to hope anymore, for you got better than what you’d ever imagined. Of course, you never wanted it this way. Not this way. So close that you could almost touch it, but grappling for it in the already existing darkness, you realize you’ve only fallen into this horrible black hole. It’s true, you’re one of them now… one of the unrequited.