It feels wrong to love you, but I’ve fallen hard for you.
It feels wrong to type this and to put it on my blog, but I am doing this.
I want to start from the very beginning. How I wish I remembered the date when I first saw you. That moment, even before I heard you. Just the moment of plain sight, when my eyes had first landed on your form. I remember it vividly. Like something exceptional. And, there are only few moments in life, which you remember so intensely like this. It’s not conscious, it just happens. It’s like you don’t even have to close your eyes to recollect them.
I can actually picture it in my head right now, as I type.
Every single bit of it.
Was that the start?
Actually, no. It was even before seeing you. When I had heard that ‘someone’ is going to come… join us. I clearly remember that too. The voices of people talking about it, how they moved out of the room to talk some more, discuss some more. I remember how it had managed to catch my attention. Maybe it stayed with me till date because of how things progressed with you. Or maybe it was just one of those moments that I was just talking about.
The ones which stick to you.
The ones which you don’t forget.
The ones which seem to be some sort of a signal from the universe. Or maybe your heart just really wants them to be so…
I remember… it was a lackluster day, the room was dark because it had been raining so much those days; it was monsoon season after all! And, we used to sit with the lights off. It was just me, and another person when you walked in. I was secretly dreading a little, you this “new person” who was to coming to join us, strictly because I was a bit wary of your friend (the person who was fundamental to your coming) and I thought you might be like him. But I have told you that many times, haven’t I?
I remember… I was a bit guarded but I did tell you where you could sit. You’d smiled and said something back. I don’t remember the words; I just remember that smile and the entire vibe you gave off. A positive, friendly, humble vibe. The kind, which is so alien in my world. I think it was in that moment that a part of me wanted for you to share the desk with us. I remember feeling that distinctly. But you chose another place, and I was disappointed a little.
I think I wanted to know you more. I know I wanted to know you more.
I like getting to know people. And, there was something about you.
I remember… how we first happened to interact. How was it exactly again? Yes! Chelsea FC.
Hahaha. It was because of your introductory mail. The mail which I’d read more than once; and for some reason happened to talk about it with my only friend, with whom I’d been interacting with those days. “Sooo… there’s a biker boy who’s joined us, he owns a XYZ and XYZ. Also, he seems to have Chelsea inked on him.”
So many people joining, so many mails. And this one had somehow stood out. And I never deleted it too. I kept it in my mailbox and made sure that I forwarded it to my personal mail, for keepsakes. Something made me do that, I’m not quite sure what. But today, it seems to be just another one of those ‘moments’, just another sign.
I had asked you about the City’s Official Chelsea Club. Yes, that’s how it’d all begun. You told me about your love for the club. Then, you proceeded to come over to my desk to show me some pictures on your laptop- of all things Chelsea & your tattoo. I remember how you smelled. I remember how you always smelled back then. And, how it made me feel. So much so that I’d even mentioned it to my friend. That you smelled so good. Hahaha.
It’s bizarre that so much was happening in my life at that time. So many landmark moments- the good and the ugly; and yet you seem to be the most significant part of it all looking back.
I remember… that day when you’d asked me if I had WhatsApp. I didn’t. I think you’d asked me over text messages. I told you I preferred iMessages, and then… we swapped our iMessage details. I clearly remember that evening- where I was at home, where I was sitting and in what posture…
We talked about him… that was the first day I had to talk to someone about it, that someone had asked. It was something that was running through my veins but buried deep within my heart. I won’t lie that talking about it hadn’t hurt, it had messed me up for a while. But I was glad we had that little chat.
This was also the conversation during which you’d told me about your girl too.
I remember… it had all started like that and then, I could just never go back on it. There was always something. Something I can’t put a finger on till date, but every time I talked to you my walls would come down. I would tell you my craziest sounding secrets without a thought, ones I haven’t even uttered to my own self. It’s like you’d melt some part of me each time we interacted. It was always like that, it still is and if there was a future to us… I don’t think this would change.
I remember… how much this used to worry me. How much it still does. Opening up to someone like that, feeling so vulnerable. It hurts. And, there’s always a risk. More than that, there’s a fear that someday, something I say will be too much for you, something which would make you run away.
Then again, it is also the kind of thing one (I) can get used to.
All your life, you’ve learnt to put on a brave face, smile and carry on life like everything is okay. Life has taught you that you’ll have to be alone. You struggled at first- a lot, but then made peace with it. Came up with your personal coping mechanisms to deal with the way things are for you. And then, enters someone like you, who trumps it all. Like you can see through me, all my pretense… all my effort.
It’s more like… around you, I just can’t. My strength breaks down. And I’m down to the very last core of the fibers that make me.
I show you all that there’s to me- the darkest, the craziest. It’s like, you don’t even have to do anything, you just break my shield and pierce through to my very carefully buried core. Yet at the same time, I cannot tell you all. Because, it’s not my place to say those things to you. And, it hurts so much.
I remember… each and every moment spent with you. A lot of your expressions depicting happiness, disapproval, pain, calm, victory. That expression when you try to hold back but your emotion clearly reflects on your face. They’re etched in my mind. The way you talk about something you love. Or someone you love. The way you talk about your ideas with so much passion, like you really believe them to the very core. I could hear you go on forever. It’s mesmerizing- your voice, the intent and character behind your words.
I never want to forget any bit of any moment or glimpse that I saw with you. Just like some songs which remind me so fiercely of you. I don’t want to forget any of it ever. I don’t want to move on from this. Because even though it hurts, it is by far the most spectacular thing that has happened to me.
I won’t lie that I haven’t cried bitterly, that I don’t. Meeting you each time thinking like it maybe the last time is by far one of the hardest things that I have done in my time on earth. But that’s because in such a seemingly short time for me this was the most intense thing ever. And, I never want to lose this feeling. And I’m pretty sure that it can’t be topped. This is not some kind of a challenge that I’m throwing out at the universe, which somehow takes it personally to prove me wrong. But if you’ll see my heart… you’ll know what I mean.
You’ve given me a lot more than you can imagine and I hope that I have not taken away as much from you. That you remember me as something more than just a broken girl, if you remember me at all. But even the things which would otherwise many me go crazy, I have found serenity in them with you.
I don’t know what’s gonna happen. And, it’s killing me…it kills me but it’s not even place to legitimately hope. Sometimes, I feel it should end for me now. I feel so weak. A little ashamed even to feel so intently and intensely. But there’s one thing that I’ve always wanted for you. And no matter where I am, I will continue to… your happiness.
Nothing else matters.