Diaries: Echoes of my soul

Losing Faith: So hard to breathe.

I’m losing faith in life.

I’m losing faith in the ways of this world.

I have questions, so many questions and plenty of doubts. Along with the realization that I am nowhere close to finding any answers. In fact, I’ve been entertaining the thought that I may never get answers to these questions and these doubts fogging my brain, freezing my insides and crushing my soul.

It’s funny how it seems like nothing amounts to anything. You might feel so strongly that it hurts, you might need so strongly that it literally becomes so hard to breathe, you might have prayed and hoped for it all your life. It may be consuming, intense, and more real than anything that you’ve ever felt. But it can still amount to nothing.

Something or someone that means the world to you can just turn their back upon you one fine day. Show you that you mean absolutely nothing to them. Your absence in their lives goes absolutely unnoticed; while for you, for you it’s been the core of your life.

And, you’re supposed to carry one like nothing ever happened. You’re supposed to keep waking up everyday into what seems like waking up into a nightmare, putting one foot in front of the other even as it bodily hurts to breathe. You’re supposed to act like everything is okay and you’re fine. You’re supposed to act like it is all going to be okay. But the question is, is it really going to be okay?

My breath is rapid, and fast… my throat really, really hurts as I type this out. My eyes are foggy, my senses at the peak of their alertness to pain yet in a weird kind of daze. I’ve been waiting here, like this, since a very, very long time now. Sure, I have lived and tasted some good moments for which I am grateful but everything has ended painfully. Rendering me weaker than before.

Every. Single Time.

I remember thinking in the past as to how much would be too much? What would be the last straw? What will it be that it finally pushes me off the edge? Because sometimes, it is just astonishing as to how much pain can the heart endure. Psychological, emotional pain which eventually starts showing physiologically. And yet for some reason, you continue to breathe through it all.

I don’t know if everyone goes through something like this through a major part of their lives. Or through their entire lives. But I sure hope not.

I hope that there is another reality. Maybe not for me… but for others. I hope that it exists, where it is not so hard to breathe.

I really, really do.

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