I’ve slept the whole day. It’s been long that I haven’t slept during the night. It’s become a cycle. And, I’m fine with it.
Sometimes I feel that I like the night more, the darkness is soothing as compared to the hard light of daytime. Sometimes I feel that at night things aren’t so real, the problems not as in your face. Maybe it is because you know that you’re awake alone. And, everyone else is busy sleeping. Busy in their own worlds, away from your reality.
Maybe on some level this feels like a synch between how you feel in this world, all the time. Alone. Disconnected. And, hence it is satisfying. There’s not as much pretense that you need to put up. No masks, just you in your raw form, feeling what you feel, introspecting, letting the pain and other feelings wash over you. Talking to yourself, saying the things you really want to say but you aren’t able to say because of the way this world is, your world is.
And, even though you know that this ritual must come to an end at some point. When you need to go back to studying, when you need to go back to work, when you need to go back to facing the real world in broad daylight…
For now, you’ve made peace with it.