When too many things happen at once in life, it is difficult to keep a track of things.
I have been busy, very busy still trying my level best to work things out on the career front so that I can get out, life a little and more importantly get a shot at a hopeful future.
In the midst of all this anxiousness (as time continues to pass), so much is happening. And just you, my fellow bloggers, know some of the stuff closest to my heart. There’s so much more I want to tell you but these are some really pressing days.
It’s funny how things seem to be getting tougher each time I think that there’s no more I could possibly endure. No, I’m not trying to say that all of this is making me stronger and all of that. But it is definitely pushing to the very edge.
Recently, on one of such days I found myself lying on the cold stone floor of my room. The only thing, which seemed to make me feel better- my breathing was easier, my heart felt soothed a little. I wondered why was this? But honestly, just being able to get this relief at that moment was more than I could ask for.
I feel much better today.
I had gone to my college, to collect some official documents. For some reason the moment I stepped into the city, a wind of homeliness surrounded me. And why not? After all it was my home for 3 years. So much was experienced, so much gained and so much lost. But yesterday as I stepped onto the campus I didn’t feel the pang of loss as much as I felt the nudge of encouragement as a sort of love. It felt like home. Unlike my real home, where I continue to struggle each day.
Guess there is something about ‘vibes’- the good and the bad, in the atmosphere after all!
Another thing I wanted to talk to you guys about is my plan for meeting The One I Care For. I don’t know what got into me, but I had this feeling that I wanted to meet him once. My heart knows it’s trying to tug onto each moment, each memory and each glance. For no one knows which might just be the last.
Of course, I wouldn’t want it to be the last- EVER. And all the time in the world would not be enough. But I know better than that. I know how life can be. And, I also know that one hopes against all odds sometimes. It wouldn’t be wrong to say that I won’t. I will. I will too.
But till then, I want to seize what I can. Take in his form through my eyes and absorb it all into my being. So that I can remember…
Sometimes, I feel scared that I will forget. Just the way I can no longer feel my hand in his, our fingers intertwined. It used to be so clear earlier, I could feel it many days after we actually held hands. I can’t feel it the same way anymore.
At this very moment, let me also tell you that our ‘friendship’ is not the ideal kinds. There’s so much confusion, lack of communication to some extent. Sometimes, I just wanna know what he is feeling and thinking. I don’t need the input ‘to do’ something with… I just want to know what’s in head and his heart. I want to listen to his perspective on things. But I guess, that’s too much to ask for.
The confused, broken talks over text messages, the hot-and-cold behaviour on his part is getting too much for me to take. Maybe it is all because I care too much. But it is not something that I can deal with on a day-to-day basis. Hence, there is this need to distance and detach myself for my own sanity.
But before that…. I want to see him one last time.
My heart is brimming with things I want to share with you- about my endeavours for the future, about this most special person and my struggles as well.
I want to talk to you all in more depth, share my stories (and feelings) in much more detail and less vagueness.
I will be back with all of it; as soon as I can find a solid ground to stand on.
Thank you so very much for all your love!
And, anyone else struggling out there, at the edge… hang in there, hold my hand… we will try together!