Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection

How I know that I love you

They say that love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you*.

And, if it is true then I love you.

I haven’t really had a fairytale life. Yes, I realize that I have much to thank for- food, shelter, healthy functioning mind and body, parents willing to spend on my education, safety etc. But I, like everyone else have struggled. My heart is deeply bruised, my soul has scars and in turn my mind has been affected too, it suffers. All my life, ever since I remember I used to wish for someone to care for me- as an individual. You know that concern when you just want for someone to be happy, when you want to see them smile, when you wish to take away all of their sorrows… Basically, when you feel for someone instead of your imaginary image of them. You actually want for them to be happy instead of your idea of what might give them happiness. When you’d have their back not because it is the right thing to do (given your equation with them) but because it stems from somewhere deep within.

I’ve felt that way for people. I’ve felt that way for my friends. My friends, who were my family… Until I discovered that they just didn’t care/feel the same way and I was on my own.

There are scientific models, which go on to show that a human has some basic needs and they are more than just food, water, shelter, security, and social recognition. We’re humans and we want love and affection of other humans. And, I know that I definitely do.

After having felt the knife in my back from people who are supposed to be biologically inclined to love you, and then friends followed by the one who swore to never leave my side but did out of reasons of mostly just ego and selfishness. Or maybe it simply was no longer convenient for them to love me? I really needed someone who cared about me for being me. And then, I met you.

Sure, there were moments where you treated me better than I have been treated in my life, simply because I have been treated badly- a lot. But then, I knew from the beginning that I meant nothing to you. A random passerby in the journey of your life. Sure. But nothing more than that.

I’d known; and that hurt for some odd reason.

It started out as just wanting to spend some more time with you, wishing we could be ‘friends’ in the real sense. More than just ‘once known acquaintances’. While being aware all the time that even that was too much to ask for.

When life put forth the first goodbye, I cried, it hurt but I accepted it. I thought that this was it. And, I’d always seen it coming. But apparently it was not. I’d thought that we’d just become one of those friends who just remain on your Facebook friend list. But life had other plans. We happened to cross paths again and there was again yet another occasion, which seemed like goodbye.

But apparently, it wasn’t.

And, here I am… at that point, all over again.
(I can’t tell you how much it hurts.)

Like the mature person that I am supposed to be, someone who has handled tough stuff and tough love over and over again in life, controlled her emotions, steeled her heart and found the courage somehow to move on despite parts of her getting gravely bruised each time… I have done all of that. But there’s only so much that my heart can take.

Some things needn’t have to be experienced. Or once is enough. But going through this loss over and over again is a brutal experience.

I found this quote which beautifully puts into words the predicament:

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Honestly, I’m hurting. I’m hurting a lot and sometimes I am just angry, so angry at the cosmos. I’ve questioned god. I’ve tried to change my perception of life to that of being nihilistic. I have been afraid. I am afraid, because this is so consuming.

Especially, after everything!
Especially, at this point in my life.

But despite the agony and despair, one look at that picture of yours, smiling so earnestly that I can almost hear your laughter by just looking at it, I smile. I smile because that one smile, that picture of one really happy face makes me forget my own heartaches.

And, that’s how I know that I love you.
Even though I am struggling- really, truly, deeply and suffering, as I do.
As a friend, well-wisher… call it what you may.
But I do.

 

*Wayne Dyer

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