Diaries: Echoes of my soul

It’s now or never.

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I’ve been feeling nervous lately.
In fact, I feel nervous at this moment.

Since Dec 26, 2012 I have been on a journey to set things straight in my life. To shift from the status quo, because the status quo I realised was not the answer to what I am seeking in life.

Despite having lived life by meticulously planning every important detail and stringent prioritisation with the help of internal reflection and reality checks, I still managed to hit the wall in 2012.

I’d been a sincere student throughout school, in preparation of a career, which was the key to not only my internal ambitious and self actualisation needs but also the key to freedom. The freedom for actually living life and not merely existing; the freedom of leading a life where I could enjoy my rights and not just relentlessly fulfil my duties. The freedom to do something and to become someone in my own right.

I had always known what mattered the most to me. Just two things really- my career and love. Nothing more, nothing less.

Since, I have already touched upon the career part a bit. I want to now, elaborate upon what I mean by love. By love, I essentially mean people. People and relationships, which enhance the experience of living life just by their presence in ours. People who increase happiness and diminish sorrow when we share it with them.

I’ve always believed that there are blood relations, and then there are those, which keep your heart pumping blood through your veins…
For some of us these may coincide, while for the rest the story can be slightly different. It doesn’t matter. But what does really matter is the fact that people and relationships do make an integral part of human existence and it is the quality of these people and relationships that has a great impact on the quality of life that we lead.

With my head and heart in the right place, I did everything that I was supposed to do. I studied hard, I struck the crucial balance between my aspirational calls and the need to nurture relationships that mattered. I checked all the boxes. I went through some trying times, and I fought to survive. I fought to win. But still, I hit the wall.

I realised that I (unfortunately) didn’t have a single true friend in need by my side. Even my most precious relationship of over a decade failed me. It was like falling through an endless black hole and hitting the ground with the hardest thud possible. Yet, I refused to give up. I got up, brushed myself and set out to start my career. This was it. It was the time to get a flavour of being a working woman, the first step towards a long journey ahead. And, just like that I was hit by a wave of disillusion so strong, it became hard to wake up everyday.

I remember going to bed some nights, secretly wishing for not waking up the next day. Only to wake up and to find myself cursing that I had to face another day of monotony. Things at work weren’t great to say the least. And, I was alone amongst company, which let me tell you, is by far the worst kind of loneliness you can face in life.

There were bad days, and I was absolutely alone. Then, there were good days, great days even (like my college’s convocation, finding out that I graduated at the top of my class…) and I was still absolutely alone.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I’d gotten used to handling the tough times on my own. I’d learnt at an age too young that no one really cared. But here I was, having done everything I was supposed to do, with proofs and results to show. Yet, there was this emptiness within me, which magnified day by day, by day.

Soon enough, the company I was working for decided to shut down an entire department. And, I had to take a very tough call. I was all of 22, and I had to decide the next step. The next step, which could make or break my future. And, so I did.

It was time to take a step back; time to step out of the system, to not to fall prey to just “how things are” and to not to resign to complacency. For I was only 22! Too young to give in or lose the remnant sparkle in my eyes. Moreover, I had a lot at stake- everything.

So here I am. It’s been over a year. 1 year, 4 months and a couple of days.

I have seen my life turn upside down in this period. I’ve seen things fall apart, including myself. I have wanted to give up, several times and have been so close to losing it totally. I have seen everything go darker when I was expecting light. But here I am now, waiting.

I’ve worked hard. Given it my all. I’ve done my very best under the circumstances and then a little bit more. I have realised how much harder it becomes to not have support or even anyone to talk to. But sometimes, all you can do is persist. Persist and walk alone.

I feel terrified, for the judgment day is approaching.
And, all I can do is wait, hope and pray.

I really, really need this to live.
It’s now or never!

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