As I sit here to finally blog… I realise that it’s been a while since I posted last. I’m definitely not on schedule. But I’m here now, with the next chapter to the road to Ireland, to my road to Ireland.
I can say it with a lot of certainty that I’m an emotional individual; extremely perceptive of the emotions and feelings of both- others and my own self. I think I have always been this way, as far as I can look back. And, contrary to the popular belief I am not afraid or ashamed to say so. Yes, I am an emotional and sensitive human being who gives due importance to these qualities, for I believe that they make us human. But I recognise the importance of a rational mind too! And, I’d like to point out that these two sides aren’t mutually exclusive.
Given, something like this (study abroad/moving abroad) is monumental in any individual’s life, it is anything but natural to be feeling a variety of things- feelings of excitement, joy, nervousness etc… But I think I feel scared too. In a way that it is seems to be wrapping a cold blanket around my heart and thus, slowing my steps towards the process of preparation.
So, here I am today… to essentially share the gamut of feelings that I’ve been experiencing thus far… (I’ll try to be chronological)
Phase 1: The Day Dreaming
A journey of 1 year, 4 months and 9 days to the day I finally got the admit from the university I wanted to go to. A journey, which hasn’t been devoid of twists and turns, tears and heart burn (about which those of you who’ve been following my blog posts and poems know a lot).
So, in the midst of all the troubles at home and within my heart, a godsent friend told me to relax, stay motivated and take it easy by Day Dreaming! Honestly, it has always been my go to coping mechanism but after this much needed push I decided to do so more in terms of reading up on about Dublin, other counties of Ireland (in general) and things one can do in Europe.
This was followed by a lot of goosebumps, smiles, dreams and plans. A few notes and to-do lists. Travelling, exploring, adventure sporting, maximising the experience in the university and gaining the most out of this opportunity of living abroad being the agenda.*
And just like that I had something to look forward to. A future, a hopeful one at that. I finally found this thing which had some potential, which made me want to live life and the horrors within me started to fade away.
Phase 2: Joy and Relief
9th May 2014, I received my test scores by post and the same evening I checked my inbox to see a conditional acceptance from the university. (Conditional since I hadn’t had the chance to update my test scores).
It was on 16th May 2014 that I received and accepted a full offer and there I felt the warmth of joy within me.
With something to look forward to and to move on to, even the deepest injuries within seemed to have started to heal. There was finally hope, which I wasn’t sure a few days ago if I’d ever see again.
Phase 3: The Slowdown and Fears
This is more or less what I am currently feeling.
It’s like I’ve hit a speed breaker of sorts. I am no longer researching/reading up things, apart from browsing the various pages of the university quite frequently. Sure, every now and then I remind myself of the things that I was looking into initially. There are still things that I want to do and experience. But I think there is some kind of fear/apprehension or just nervousness plaguing my sub-conscious. Or maybe, my patience has run out and I just want to get started already. It’s been too damn long.
I won’t be surprised if the fear (and all the other negative emotions) have something to do with my past experiences. I’m not even sure if I should use the term “past experiences”, “life experiences” would be more appropriate. It’s just that every time I have put my hopes on anything or anyone, trusted something or some one… it hasn’t turned out too well. It’s like lying on the bed all tired and trying to sit up, while being repeatedly pushed back by someone who has their strong hands on your shoulders.
Yes, I am terrified.
I am terrified at the very thought of once again being disappointed, of things not turning out to be good and just meeting bad luck despite all my efforts and drive. I am terrified at the thought that maybe my insides have been irreversibly damaged after suffering blow after blow. It’s not like magic, that you wake up one day and all your aches disappear. I know that it is a process that one has to undertake consciously and, it is natural to have ‘bad days’. In fact, I had one such day yesterday, so much so that I couldn’t complete this post and had to stop in between. And, I can’t tell you how it’s made me feel.
It’s 10am and I am propped up in my bed, unable to shut my head and heart and be able to sleep.
I just really hope that there are good things on the other side. I’ve a lot riding on this- everything. Everything!