#3: Why Overseas?: The Deciding Diary
Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I — I took the one less travelled by,
and that has made all the difference!
The above lines by Robert Frost make up one of my most stanzas from poems of all time! It’s only fair because there’s so much of me in them. One way or the other, whenever I have found myself at crossroads of any kind, I have found myself taking the road less travelled by. Be it career, or personal life- I tend to do so, probably because I’m idealistic in nature; and a romantic.
For me, the voice within has always over powered the masses. I have never been afraid to walk alone for the right cause, on paths which may not be so popular (as of being harder). Have I been scared? Yes, I have. But not enough to be deterred to take the short cut or to compromise.
I was at one such crossroads pretty recently, one of the hardest that I’ve been at. Sure, every crossroad usually marks a turning point in our lives; but some of them have the impact of practically defining the rest of our lives- or at least the most of it. And, hence they seem harder, threatening even. For one deals with the burden of making ‘the right decision’. Depending on our situation and circumstances, the support system we have in life… this decision can be made slightly easier or much harder. Unfortunately, I fall in the second category.
I could share with you guys, ‘a version’ of the thought process I went through. But I’d rather share with you- a message I wrote to a friend (yes, that same godsent friend) who’d been helping me vent, analyse and most importantly keeping me motivated to just breathe- to not to give up and to follow my heart. After all, this blog was created for things straight from the heart!
In the purest, crudest form… from a very burdened brain and heart. Here we go:
What I want, What I need
Okay, so here goes…
A lot has been happening in my life. Not just now or for the past two years but since several years now. All my life, my agenda has been simple… to build a life in which I can really live and not merely exist! Hence, all the plans- bachelors, masters and then, a job which roughly earns me XYZ* amount of rupees.
Now this XYZ* is not a fancy figure. Being rich hasn’t been my goal. But to be comfortably well off, yes. Being able to live in a nice rented apartment of my own. By nice I don’t mean huge (in size) but one situated in a good locality. It could even be a studio set, which I do up nicely. Pay my own bills and everything else. To not have to take money from my parents and then of course, to have some money to spare. To just… live a little. That spans from grabbing a drink with friends to just being able to eat a good meal.
What I am trying to say is that all these years I have waited to do my postgrad. Sort of a mental fix which marked that yes, now I get to live the way I want (not like I completely wasn’t. But just that I see all these as responsibilities I need to fulfil) in a sound environment, sans the mess and ugliness.
After completing my graduation and grabbing a cool job in a nice place with a pretty decent salary I did get a reality check though. You can say it was the kind of realization that people have at 40. Sure, there was always this looming stress that I needed to get my masters (which IDK is just one thing I really wanted to do) but there were certain other realisations too, about what I really want from life.
With everything that’s going on in my personal life- Not just talking about having to end a decade long relationship or the stuff that I have with my family, or how after so many years I finally had an epiphany (with regards to my situation at home, with regards to the kind of life I deserve to have or that anyone deserves to have… ).
I just have reached this point of saturation.
Honestly, I have thought that I had reached this point of saturation a lot of times in my life and then I have pushed through it. Even when I have really, really wanted to quit. I guess, I am just not built like a quitter
or so it seems. I have always pushed myself… sometimes, to the extent of madness.
So yes, I am very much here… breathing and pumping blood but it literally hurts. And it’s been hurting since a very long time.
Even when I was planning my MBA in <home country>, I was kind of looking forward to a change… leaving the city I love. Just because… I don’t know. I know better than that… that leaving cities and going to places doesn’t magically change what you’re inherently going through within yourself. And that I have the worst of luck with people and the so called friends. I mean, it’s amazing that I even managed to find a friend in you I could talk through one of the darkest times of my life, internally at least.
Anyway, so basically… the whole MBA thing was still not giving me much to look forward to. I mean, I was questioning myself- if I was strong enough to, you know, carry it through, perform in the current state that I was.
I’ve literally, consistently wanted stuff to end since a very, very long time now. And then, this overseas thing came into the picture.
(Under what circumstances and limitations is a different issue but as and when I researched about it, maybe it’s all the glitz or just how I have thought of it… specially back in college I remember having so many discussions about how I wanted to leave the country. Just because I believe that the mentality and culture is different abroad. I want to believe so. And other ‘n’ number of reasons…)
For the first time in life I saw some hope. I know, it’s still too early. And whatever shit that was happening in my life is still happening. Heck, I haven’t even applied yet! But for the first time in life I feel hopeful about something. It feels like I have finally something to look forward to. That I may even have a possibility to get what I want for once. More like, I feel that I need it.
I don’t know if someone might see it as running away from some things. I see it as finding myself, rejuvenating, resurrecting. For once in my life, I don’t even care if I have an interview from Snapdeal or KPMG or Google. I mean, I don’t now what’s gonna happen after I get my PG abroad. One part of me is sure pretty darn worried- the one in touch with the reality of my life and all the negativity. But the other part, which I didn’t know existed (since a long while) just wants me to take this leap of faith.
Suddenly, it’s become more about the experience of the entire thing than just how it converts into a job or a job of what pay. I am not saying that that isn’t important. It is so important, so so important especially for me. Like my life won’t sustain without it. But I want to believe that something will work out. I mean, I’d found work at ABCcompany on my own hadn’t I?
I know there is a lot of hypothesis and a lot of risk. But I really feel that I can’t stay. I need this. I need to grab this opportunity. For if I am dying anyway or am going to die, why not live for a year first? You know?
I need this.
It’s taking me drop of my blood to stay positive these days. But for the first time in years, I have even managed to feel positive. I feel myself changing just at the potential thought of this thought. Yes, a part of me is scared. What if I am over estimating the potential? But I can’t ever find out without trying, can I?
And, as far as my parent’s investment goes. I am practically looking at a place, which doesn’t cost too much. Maybe like a 10L more. But it’s not like I am not ready to pay that back or I am looking at UK where it costs like 60L or something. You know what I mean?
I have a feeling that this might have the potential to change my life and me. I really hope it does.
Bec I can’t and won’t take it anymore for much longer.
So here’s hoping that I get in…
That I take this leap of faith and land up on my feet.
Maybe I need to quit thinking “what if I fall and break my face”.
It was this message, and writing it all out that put things into perspective for me. More like, realisation and acceptance of what I was really feeling within me, what I really wanted as opposed to what I was ‘conventionally’ supposed to be doing.
This message and the interview process at Google (when I found myself wanting to pray against getting in) made me realise my inner voice and most importantly, what my insides were saying that they needed.
I’m I scared? Sure I am. Very scared, extremely scared. But I’m hopeful and excited as well. It’s been too long… I just need to keep the faith and keep moving on…