I love this guy. And, he he loves me too, at least he says so?
So, thats it… isn’t it? That should suffice and everything else should be easy. But its not.
And, why can’t it not be?
Its not short of a miracle to be loved back by the person you love. Then, why do things have to be so difficult even when
this blessing is bestowed upon us? Why do other things have to come between it and complicate it?
There are enough complications and heartaches in life, unpredictability and zero guarantee. Then, why do we unnecessarily
complicate things when we can make the most of them?
I don’t think that I’ve had an easy life. But even in the darkest of hours, knowing that someone loves you and care for you has
made a whole lot of difference to me.
I remember that wanting to be loved was one of my very first desires that I can recall. One of the first, strongest and consistent ones.
Wanting to be loved, and to love in return. Just this hope, and this dream enabled me to carry on through the very rough of times while
growing up. And then, suddenly when I almost had it. Everything changed. Nothing else mattered. I was loved. I believed it. And,
I poured every ounce of love into the other person back in return. That unwavering faith, trust and belief that you hear about from time
to time, I had that. Not that there weren’t doubts and fears in life. Challenges and agony, still. But nothing mattered so much because
I thought that I was loved and I had someone I cared for and god, he cared for me too.
And then, one day… just like that it was all pulled from beneath me and I fell flat on my face. Every bit of me was shattered into a million
pieces even before I could really understand what was happening. It took so long for me to understand it, that the pieces were hammered
again and again, weakening me, scarring me, damaging every shred of my existence. It took long to accept it, and way too long to decide to
put an end to it.
And, to stand back up on my feet? I know not.
Some cuts are so deep, and painful that they change you. In ways you don’t even realise. They even make you resolve to never let it happen
to you again. Never give someone that kind of power.
But then again, to love is to be vulnerable.
I am not sure if this is even possible but I think I was careful. While, it didn’t took a second to understand and care for him. I took my time
to trust again. Maybe, I did all along. And, my cause of fear wasn’t doubt but the realisation that I just know one way to love. All in.
I love too strong, too much, too deep. And, in today’s world thats a flaw in itself. Threatens your survival, even.
And here I am. Shaking, shivering, crying, afraid, so afraid.
Praying to god for mercy.
Please make it okay.
Please don’t do this to me.