this too shall pass
Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

This too shall pass… or will it?

This too shall pass. Of course, it will. As everything does. But isn’t this sentiment a tad bit too morose to find peace in? In this transient journey of life, don’t you want for something to stick? Some people, some relationships, some promises, some commitments?… The very ‘sticky’ things that’d help you and give you purpose and strength while you’re waiting for something (unpleasant) to pass.

And what about the times when we use this phrase to console ourselves when we’re caught in a conundrum of matters related to the heart? Yes, I’m talking about love, the feelings of adoration, admiration and beyond… Yes, I want to talk about it because that’s where I’m coming from at the moment. And yes, I’ve been here before. Fortunately and unfortunately.

I’m finding both- peace and despair in the sentiment at the moment.

Peace, because I know that no matter what, life will go on, the feeling will be managed even if not exactly forgotten. What will remain (if that’s what’s to happen) will be a memory- a pleasant memory for once hopefully , touch-wood. As things are, as of now. And despair because, that’s not my idea of love (platonic or otherwise)… it has never been. And it’s only fair for it to be this way because there’s no other way for it to be felt truly. If you love, you want it to endure. Perhaps not to possess.. but to endure.

Because you can love from a distance, but it is only natural to want to be close. (I ought to specify that I don’t mean physical distance here.) For you to be theirs and for them to be yours. To be with each other. If you love, you want a happy ending, ideally together. Even in the face of so-called impossibilities and many-a-hurdles, amidst the walls of practicalities, there still burns a flicker of hope. Because, when you’re in love or in something you believe to have the potential to grow into that resounding feeling; how can you find anything but despair at the thought that it won’t stick? That it’s just a passing experience? How can you find joy in the fact that you’d move on to feel it for another or for another to feel it for you? When all you want in this moment is this particular love?

Epilogue

Call it maturity, resilience or finally understanding to strive to vouch for what’s one’s worth, all the romanticism and catharsis aside… I endeavor to love what/who loves me back and in the same core vein as I do. Because, I deserve it, and I deserve more than something unrequited or imbalanced. As do you. And everyone else.

After all, there’s self love too- that must be attained, endured and forever cherished. And then, everything else (unworthy) would be allowed to pass…

 

Originally written on 6/March/2018.

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection

Learning, Unlearning, Relearning

learn, unlearn, relearn

I’ve been very busy since the past 3 years.

I landed in Ireland on 1st September 2014. And, ever since then I have worked to not just survive but to create a sustainable life for myself.

It’s not that I haven’t had the privileged opportunity of taking some down time; from free weekends where I no longer had academic obligations to fulfill, to free weekends where I had no obligations whatsoever (not even heartache!) besides thinking about whatever I really wanted to think about- the next steps that need to be taken on an individual level to create the life that I want to lead- personally and professionally. If I had tough days at work, I had a weekend to look forward to recuperate and get ready to face the battles again. It hasn’t been easy. But it has been better. No denying that.

Some things are working out, some efforts have started to show the results of persisting but somethings aren’t working out so well despite soul crushing efforts. Mostly on a more personal front- for we can choose to love and trust people but can’t exactly control their actions in return.

In some ways, I have found my way and in fact, created paths for myself. But in some ways, I have gotten lost…
In ways I thought I never would. But I am trying to figure it all out. Again.

In ways I’m finally approaching (hopefully) a place in my life where I’m going to be able to address some basic human needs better. Finally, enabling me to focus on myself- no excuses left.

It will be challenging but I’m looking forward to it.

I guess, sometimes we take risks, leaps of faith that test our courage. We open up to living life with new perspectives, only to realise that our old ways were probably gold.

I suppose, in such circumstances, it is important to remember the strength of our character and grit for not just trying but in fact, opening up to a whole new world outside our comfort zones. Not something many are capable of. At all.

So what if it didn’t work out? It only made us realise the truth in our inherent values, and gave us a conviction to trust them even more based on evidence and not merely a blind belief system.

I suppose this learning, unlearning and relearning will eventually help us to reach a place where in addition to not being judgemental ourselves, we will also able to deal better with those who are (judgemental) without letting it bother us too much.

It’ll no longer make us angry when someone offers unsolicited advice that assumes a lot of things. But simply enable us to smile and acknowledge that they are at a different stage in their journey.

It’ll be easier to rise above or simply, to forgive.

Amen.

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Introspection, Poems

To be (w)hole

There’s a gaping hole
In my soul.
I no longer merely want to
decorate my house. But
create a home. With
not just things but someone I love.
And, who loves me back. In a way
that fills the cracks in my heart.
There’s no agony.
No more pain.
No reminders of
the bruises of the past.

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This took me so long because when something means a lot- we either want to shout it from the roof tops or we want to not utter a single word and keep it buried somewhere deep within us.

There are these people, around the world (who I think would still remember) what I thought of Linkin Park, Chester Bennington and all those songs. What they did for me back in the day, and TBH continue to do so even today.

Even if their music changed over the years resulting in not so kind feedback at times, I personally couldn’t look beyond this rawness and vulnerability coming forth through the lyrics.

And yesterday, since the news broke out, I haven’t stopped thinking… So many years. So many songs. So many difficult feelings and thoughts.

I’m very, very sorry.

Music, Movies & TV, Soulful Musings

Cultural Appropriation & Stereotypes


Before I say anything else, let me explicitly state that I love and admire Emma in her endeavors towards women empowerment and eradicating ‘myths’ surrounding the big F word today, feminism. For just speaking up when our world desperately needs for the rationals to talk some sense. And of course, for she’s brought to life, Hermoine Granger on the celluloid screen.

So my thoughts are not specifically about her or her video. But certainly, I was “triggered” to finally pen down my thoughts, which have developed over a period of time on seeing this video on my newsfeed.

It is actually getting a little bit ridiculous to watch the unfolding of the sudden awareness in Hollywood about India as an Indian.

After years of cultural appropriation, and ridicule it’s like a bulb has been switched on in this western film fraternity that there’s a multi-billion dollar market that they can tap into so much more. So, let’s get all our “Namastes” in order and oh yeah, pitches for people to watch our movies.

It’s no coincidence that 2 leading Indian film actresses (so far) have been cast as ‘normal people and/or characters’ and not merely stereotypical caricatures in ethnically restricted roles in a big TV film franchise (XXX) and a TV Series (Quantico). More and more actors are suddenly speaking up about their love for ‘Indian fans’ and ‘saag Paneer’. (Which I must admit, was pretty thrilling to know that someone was actually aware of anything beyond the misnomer ‘curry’ when referring to the Indian cuisine. ‘Saag’ and ‘Paneer’. Double brownie points.)

Anyhow, if this phenomenon brings about better awareness of India and its people. If it helps to do away with the stereotypes deeply rooted in ignorance and bigotry. If it helps for people to finally understand that many of us are indeed ‘native English speakers’. It’d be a very welcome change.

I’d be personally delighted to not to be doubted for my English language skills just because I don’t “look” the prejudiced part being “brown” and all of that. Or because I don’t speak in a certain “accent” namely, American, Canadian, Australian, British… you get the drift. It would also be thrilling to see something a whole lot better than music videos like “Lean On” and characters like “Appus & Rajesh” on the celluloid screen to begin with.

So, here’s me hoping that this is just a start for the better. A start for a less prejudiced, more aware world. And, not just towards Indians or India but other ethnicities and countries too. Even if at the moment, it’s all rooted in business calculations and motives.

Namaste.

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