Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection

Learning, Unlearning, Relearning

learn, unlearn, relearn

I’ve been very busy since the past 3 years.

I landed in Ireland on 1st September 2014. And, ever since then I have worked to not just survive but to create a sustainable life for myself.

It’s not that I haven’t had the privileged opportunity of taking some down time; from free weekends where I no longer had academic obligations to fulfill, to free weekends where I had no obligations whatsoever (not even heartache!) besides thinking about whatever I really wanted to think about- the next steps that need to be taken on an individual level to create the life that I want to lead- personally and professionally. If I had tough days at work, I had a weekend to look forward to recuperate and get ready to face the battles again. It hasn’t been easy. But it has been better. No denying that.

Some things are working out, some efforts have started to show the results of persisting but somethings aren’t working out so well despite soul crushing efforts. Mostly on a more personal front- for we can choose to love and trust people but can’t exactly control their actions in return.

In some ways, I have found my way and in fact, created paths for myself. But in some ways, I have gotten lost…
In ways I thought I never would. But I am trying to figure it all out. Again.

In ways I’m finally approaching (hopefully) a place in my life where I’m going to be able to address some basic human needs better. Finally, enabling me to focus on myself- no excuses left.

It will be challenging but I’m looking forward to it.

I guess, sometimes we take risks, leaps of faith that test our courage. We open up to living life with new perspectives, only to realise that our old ways were probably gold.

I suppose, in such circumstances, it is important to remember the strength of our character and grit for not just trying but in fact, opening up to a whole new world outside our comfort zones. Not something many are capable of. At all.

So what if it didn’t work out? It only made us realise the truth in our inherent values, and gave us a conviction to trust them even more based on evidence and not merely a blind belief system.

I suppose this learning, unlearning and relearning will eventually help us to reach a place where in addition to not being judgemental ourselves, we will also able to deal better with those who are (judgemental) without letting it bother us too much.

It’ll no longer make us angry when someone offers unsolicited advice that assumes a lot of things. But simply enable us to smile and acknowledge that they are at a different stage in their journey.

It’ll be easier to rise above or simply, to forgive.

Amen.

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This took me so long because when something means a lot- we either want to shout it from the roof tops or we want to not utter a single word and keep it buried somewhere deep within us.

There are these people, around the world (who I think would still remember) what I thought of Linkin Park, Chester Bennington and all those songs. What they did for me back in the day, and TBH continue to do so even today.

Even if their music changed over the years resulting in not so kind feedback at times, I personally couldn’t look beyond this rawness and vulnerability coming forth through the lyrics.

And yesterday, since the news broke out, I haven’t stopped thinking… So many years. So many songs. So many difficult feelings and thoughts.

I’m very, very sorry.

Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

Writing- From A Place Of Pain.

Definitely not deliberately, but some of my best writing has found its roots in some kind of pain or angst. And as it might be evident, the majority of poetry in this very blog was written when my heart was totally shattered. I wonder why this happens?

It’s not that I have not found words in the moments of joy and love. In fact, I really developed as a writer, penning down some of my most emotional and coherent prose, full of soul and passion during that time of my life. Even noticeably impacting my academics (language subjects) rather positively. But that has been a very long time ago. I wonder why, again…

I must admit that I have always admired people who’ve take one form of negativity and channelized into something brilliant. Mostly, I have noticed these are artists and creators of one kind or an other. Videos, Poems, Art… Oh, how I wish sometimes when words evade me, specially in moments of torment that I could just take a pencil and/or some colours and create something beautiful on a piece of paper. Something sans words, yet something very telling of the state within. But alas, I’m not an artist of that sort. Yet.

This word ‘yet’ has a new found place in the dictionary of my life. Because, clichés like never-say-never have becomes words that truly resonate with me now. Besides, for the most part and when it comes to most (positive things) like learning, experiencing or trying something… It’s never too late I suppose. It is always possible to make it happen if you really, really want to…

So for now, I will let the questions just be questions and will close my very tired eyes, and rest my very tired shoulders for a while. Oh god, I have always loved nights!

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul

Questions and Obsessions

I have spent most of my Saturday obsessing about this blog. And, I am not exaggerating. I just wanted to find the ‘perfect’ theme before I started blogging again but nothing really seemed to click.

Anyway, so here I am back again. And, hopefully this time to stay.

I have been wanting to write since a long, long time now. Something. Anything. But I have failed to do so. What finally propelled me to even come this far was actually reading someone else’s blog post. Now, it is not that I don’t read at all anymore. But my ability to read has been suffering kind of similar to writing. It’s the state of mind. I guess. The state of a very pre-occupied mind, which has a lot on.

Coming back to the point… I can’t really pin point what exactly did the trick.

Was it simply the remainder of the time when I was really writing a lot here? But it’s not like I haven’t thought of it all this while.

Or was it the realisation that everything doesn’t have to be ‘perfect and perfectly structured’ to strike a chord. In the end, I suppose the best kind of writing is one that comes from the soul and touches another. And, in my case it was the sheer honesty of the blogs, I guess.

Well, whatever it is. I’m glad that I am back here again. Doing this right now. And hopefully, this time I will be able to take it to another level. In terms of perhaps… exposure. Maybe this time it won’t remain ‘anonymous’ or ‘anonim0us’ as I have been spelling it. 😛

Besides, it’s not like I haven’t had stuff to say. Just lacked that momentum to sit down and type. Just lack the momentum to sit down and channelize my thoughts into coherent strings of sentences… I guess, if I can keep at it. I can re-learn what I have somehow managed to un-learn.

A part of me wonders if I should ‘start again’. A fresh blog. Because this one has a lot of work that is connected to a lot of history. But there’s lot of good work here. Besides it seems so wrong to want to ‘hide’ things. For how can you truly write, if you are busy trying to ‘hide’ your thoughts and feelings?

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

Weird, Surreal Drifting

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It has been a while since I last made an entry into the blog. Trust me, I tried not once but a couple of times, to sit down in front of the laptop to type. Whenever I managed to sneak in some time between unending readings and assignments. But each time, I failed to type something coherent. Up until this moment, it has usually been staring at the screen… typing something and deleting it… thinking, staring some more and then finally giving up and doing some other task/chore that needs to be done.

I have to say that from the first time that I sat down to write to you guys, which was the very first day I reached, even before unpacking my stuff; just the moment after I spread the bed sheet and sat on my bed in my room here… everything has changed. Everything has been fast… everything is too fast, I think for me to absorb and take in. New developments, new realisations, new people/ rather a new special person… Yet the acute awareness of  some deep seated issues and presence of the scars of old wounds which have probably made a deeper incision than I had originally estimated (and, trust me… I hadn’t underestimated it).

There are some fears which don’t go away, some are so intensified that my mind has actually blocked everything associated with them. And, in turn caused me to be in a weird sort of numbness and daze. Like some sort of hypnosis… a sense of detached reality.
Perhaps, a ploy played by my mind in a bid to protect the heart and its own self from any kind of setbacks that it can’t take. Or just some subconscious trick to cope… and heal from the wounds of the past… which still reek of fresh blood and oozes from time to time.

This piece has been lying in my drafts since 2 years now. October 27, 2014. So, I thought it must be published before I go on to writing something new and hopefully, finally revive my blog.

I think that writing (even reading) requires for you to be in a certain kind of headspace. And, in my opinion it is a good kind of headspace to be in. But more importantly it requires a certain sort of momentum and inspiration. Which may not always be possible to merely call upon yourself.

I feel, that I am finally there. How and why? We will find out it my next blog post. Which will hopefully be just a start to many more to follow. This time, without interruptions. #lifestylechange

 

 

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