this too shall pass
Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

This too shall pass… or will it?

This too shall pass. Of course, it will. As everything does. But isn’t this sentiment a tad bit too morose to find peace in? In this transient journey of life, don’t you want for something to stick? Some people, some relationships, some promises, some commitments?… The very ‘sticky’ things that’d help you and give you purpose and strength while you’re waiting for something (unpleasant) to pass.

And what about the times when we use this phrase to console ourselves when we’re caught in a conundrum of matters related to the heart? Yes, I’m talking about love, the feelings of adoration, admiration and beyond… Yes, I want to talk about it because that’s where I’m coming from at the moment. And yes, I’ve been here before. Fortunately and unfortunately.

I’m finding both- peace and despair in the sentiment at the moment.

Peace, because I know that no matter what, life will go on, the feeling will be managed even if not exactly forgotten. What will remain (if that’s what’s to happen) will be a memory- a pleasant memory for once hopefully , touch-wood. As things are, as of now. And despair because, that’s not my idea of love (platonic or otherwise)… it has never been. And it’s only fair for it to be this way because there’s no other way for it to be felt truly. If you love, you want it to endure. Perhaps not to possess.. but to endure.

Because you can love from a distance, but it is only natural to want to be close. (I ought to specify that I don’t mean physical distance here.) For you to be theirs and for them to be yours. To be with each other. If you love, you want a happy ending, ideally together. Even in the face of so-called impossibilities and many-a-hurdles, amidst the walls of practicalities, there still burns a flicker of hope. Because, when you’re in love or in something you believe to have the potential to grow into that resounding feeling; how can you find anything but despair at the thought that it won’t stick? That it’s just a passing experience? How can you find joy in the fact that you’d move on to feel it for another or for another to feel it for you? When all you want in this moment is this particular love?

Epilogue

Call it maturity, resilience or finally understanding to strive to vouch for what’s one’s worth, all the romanticism and catharsis aside… I endeavor to love what/who loves me back and in the same core vein as I do. Because, I deserve it, and I deserve more than something unrequited or imbalanced. As do you. And everyone else.

After all, there’s self love too- that must be attained, endured and forever cherished. And then, everything else (unworthy) would be allowed to pass…

 

Originally written on 6/March/2018.

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection

Learning, Unlearning, Relearning

learn, unlearn, relearn

I’ve been very busy since the past 3 years.

I landed in Ireland on 1st September 2014. And, ever since then I have worked to not just survive but to create a sustainable life for myself.

It’s not that I haven’t had the privileged opportunity of taking some down time; from free weekends where I no longer had academic obligations to fulfill, to free weekends where I had no obligations whatsoever (not even heartache!) besides thinking about whatever I really wanted to think about- the next steps that need to be taken on an individual level to create the life that I want to lead- personally and professionally. If I had tough days at work, I had a weekend to look forward to recuperate and get ready to face the battles again. It hasn’t been easy. But it has been better. No denying that.

Some things are working out, some efforts have started to show the results of persisting but somethings aren’t working out so well despite soul crushing efforts. Mostly on a more personal front- for we can choose to love and trust people but can’t exactly control their actions in return.

In some ways, I have found my way and in fact, created paths for myself. But in some ways, I have gotten lost…
In ways I thought I never would. But I am trying to figure it all out. Again.

In ways I’m finally approaching (hopefully) a place in my life where I’m going to be able to address some basic human needs better. Finally, enabling me to focus on myself- no excuses left.

It will be challenging but I’m looking forward to it.

I guess, sometimes we take risks, leaps of faith that test our courage. We open up to living life with new perspectives, only to realise that our old ways were probably gold.

I suppose, in such circumstances, it is important to remember the strength of our character and grit for not just trying but in fact, opening up to a whole new world outside our comfort zones. Not something many are capable of. At all.

So what if it didn’t work out? It only made us realise the truth in our inherent values, and gave us a conviction to trust them even more based on evidence and not merely a blind belief system.

I suppose this learning, unlearning and relearning will eventually help us to reach a place where in addition to not being judgemental ourselves, we will also able to deal better with those who are (judgemental) without letting it bother us too much.

It’ll no longer make us angry when someone offers unsolicited advice that assumes a lot of things. But simply enable us to smile and acknowledge that they are at a different stage in their journey.

It’ll be easier to rise above or simply, to forgive.

Amen.

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This took me so long because when something means a lot- we either want to shout it from the roof tops or we want to not utter a single word and keep it buried somewhere deep within us.

There are these people, around the world (who I think would still remember) what I thought of Linkin Park, Chester Bennington and all those songs. What they did for me back in the day, and TBH continue to do so even today.

Even if their music changed over the years resulting in not so kind feedback at times, I personally couldn’t look beyond this rawness and vulnerability coming forth through the lyrics.

And yesterday, since the news broke out, I haven’t stopped thinking… So many years. So many songs. So many difficult feelings and thoughts.

I’m very, very sorry.

Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

Writing- From A Place Of Pain.

Definitely not deliberately, but some of my best writing has found its roots in some kind of pain or angst. And as it might be evident, the majority of poetry in this very blog was written when my heart was totally shattered. I wonder why this happens?

It’s not that I have not found words in the moments of joy and love. In fact, I really developed as a writer, penning down some of my most emotional and coherent prose, full of soul and passion during that time of my life. Even noticeably impacting my academics (language subjects) rather positively. But that has been a very long time ago. I wonder why, again…

I must admit that I have always admired people who’ve take one form of negativity and channelized into something brilliant. Mostly, I have noticed these are artists and creators of one kind or an other. Videos, Poems, Art… Oh, how I wish sometimes when words evade me, specially in moments of torment that I could just take a pencil and/or some colours and create something beautiful on a piece of paper. Something sans words, yet something very telling of the state within. But alas, I’m not an artist of that sort. Yet.

This word ‘yet’ has a new found place in the dictionary of my life. Because, clichés like never-say-never have becomes words that truly resonate with me now. Besides, for the most part and when it comes to most (positive things) like learning, experiencing or trying something… It’s never too late I suppose. It is always possible to make it happen if you really, really want to…

So for now, I will let the questions just be questions and will close my very tired eyes, and rest my very tired shoulders for a while. Oh god, I have always loved nights!

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul

Questions and Obsessions

I have spent most of my Saturday obsessing about this blog. And, I am not exaggerating. I just wanted to find the ‘perfect’ theme before I started blogging again but nothing really seemed to click.

Anyway, so here I am back again. And, hopefully this time to stay.

I have been wanting to write since a long, long time now. Something. Anything. But I have failed to do so. What finally propelled me to even come this far was actually reading someone else’s blog post. Now, it is not that I don’t read at all anymore. But my ability to read has been suffering kind of similar to writing. It’s the state of mind. I guess. The state of a very pre-occupied mind, which has a lot on.

Coming back to the point… I can’t really pin point what exactly did the trick.

Was it simply the remainder of the time when I was really writing a lot here? But it’s not like I haven’t thought of it all this while.

Or was it the realisation that everything doesn’t have to be ‘perfect and perfectly structured’ to strike a chord. In the end, I suppose the best kind of writing is one that comes from the soul and touches another. And, in my case it was the sheer honesty of the blogs, I guess.

Well, whatever it is. I’m glad that I am back here again. Doing this right now. And hopefully, this time I will be able to take it to another level. In terms of perhaps… exposure. Maybe this time it won’t remain ‘anonymous’ or ‘anonim0us’ as I have been spelling it. 😛

Besides, it’s not like I haven’t had stuff to say. Just lacked that momentum to sit down and type. Just lack the momentum to sit down and channelize my thoughts into coherent strings of sentences… I guess, if I can keep at it. I can re-learn what I have somehow managed to un-learn.

A part of me wonders if I should ‘start again’. A fresh blog. Because this one has a lot of work that is connected to a lot of history. But there’s lot of good work here. Besides it seems so wrong to want to ‘hide’ things. For how can you truly write, if you are busy trying to ‘hide’ your thoughts and feelings?

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