Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

Writing- From A Place Of Pain.

Definitely not deliberately, but some of my best writing has found its roots in some kind of pain or angst. And as it might be evident, the majority of poetry in this very blog was written when my heart was totally shattered. I wonder why this happens?

It’s not that I have not found words in the moments of joy and love. In fact, I really developed as a writer, penning down some of my most emotional and coherent prose, full of soul and passion during that time of my life. Even noticeably impacting my academics (language subjects) rather positively. But that has been a very long time ago. I wonder why, again…

I must admit that I have always admired people who’ve take one form of negativity and channelized into something brilliant. Mostly, I have noticed these are artists and creators of one kind or an other. Videos, Poems, Art… Oh, how I wish sometimes when words evade me, specially in moments of torment that I could just take a pencil and/or some colours and create something beautiful on a piece of paper. Something sans words, yet something very telling of the state within. But alas, I’m not an artist of that sort. Yet.

This word ‘yet’ has a new found place in the dictionary of my life. Because, clichés like never-say-never have becomes words that truly resonate with me now. Besides, for the most part and when it comes to most (positive things) like learning, experiencing or trying something… It’s never too late I suppose. It is always possible to make it happen if you really, really want to…

So for now, I will let the questions just be questions and will close my very tired eyes, and rest my very tired shoulders for a while. Oh god, I have always loved nights!

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

Weird, Surreal Drifting

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It has been a while since I last made an entry into the blog. Trust me, I tried not once but a couple of times, to sit down in front of the laptop to type. Whenever I managed to sneak in some time between unending readings and assignments. But each time, I failed to type something coherent. Up until this moment, it has usually been staring at the screen… typing something and deleting it… thinking, staring some more and then finally giving up and doing some other task/chore that needs to be done.

I have to say that from the first time that I sat down to write to you guys, which was the very first day I reached, even before unpacking my stuff; just the moment after I spread the bed sheet and sat on my bed in my room here… everything has changed. Everything has been fast… everything is too fast, I think for me to absorb and take in. New developments, new realisations, new people/ rather a new special person… Yet the acute awareness of  some deep seated issues and presence of the scars of old wounds which have probably made a deeper incision than I had originally estimated (and, trust me… I hadn’t underestimated it).

There are some fears which don’t go away, some are so intensified that my mind has actually blocked everything associated with them. And, in turn caused me to be in a weird sort of numbness and daze. Like some sort of hypnosis… a sense of detached reality.
Perhaps, a ploy played by my mind in a bid to protect the heart and its own self from any kind of setbacks that it can’t take. Or just some subconscious trick to cope… and heal from the wounds of the past… which still reek of fresh blood and oozes from time to time.

This piece has been lying in my drafts since 2 years now. October 27, 2014. So, I thought it must be published before I go on to writing something new and hopefully, finally revive my blog.

I think that writing (even reading) requires for you to be in a certain kind of headspace. And, in my opinion it is a good kind of headspace to be in. But more importantly it requires a certain sort of momentum and inspiration. Which may not always be possible to merely call upon yourself.

I feel, that I am finally there. How and why? We will find out it my next blog post. Which will hopefully be just a start to many more to follow. This time, without interruptions. #lifestylechange

 

 

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Introspection, Soulful Musings

Resilience

Recently, I had a frightening mishap with my pretty new (barely four months old) Macbook Air, which had resulted in it crashing. All of it had happened within a minute. I was almost done with the entire glass (of cola); just a sip or two was left. And just like that, I saw the glass fall sideways on my computer table. Before I knew it, there was a spill! I was horrified; but thankfully, my senses were still functioning and I immediately turned my machine upside down (so that the liquid wouldn’t seep inside the machine via the keyboard).

Just when I thought that I had managed to save it. I was proven wrong by the universe. It shut down and refused to start again.

An amalgamation of emotions immediately struck me one after the other. Fear, panic, regret, self hate (for not being careful enough). I was absolutely devastated. It was one LONG night. There were tears, heartache, my stress levels went through the roof. All I could do was pray. Pray that the warranty covers the repair. There wasn’t an alternative scenario that could console me and make things okay.

All’s well that ends well, they say. And I will agree to that. My prayers were heard and answered and my mac was repaired under the warranty (much to my intense relief).

Through this experience there were times that my mind thought that I would never again bring anything liquid near my Mac. I would drink water in the kitchen if I was thirsty and just keep all liquids away, no matter what. But yesterday, I was sitting with a mug of cola again, resting at a safe distance beside my mac. While I was careful and scared due to what had happened… I observed that I had indeed mustered up a little courage to bring a mug of liquid near it, unlike what I’d thought.

Sure, I had learnt from it. I had learnt that a heavier container or a bottle would be more suitable than a light weight glass. But unlike my mind’s initial paranoid reaction of having a no-liquid-near-the-mac policy at any cost, I was doing it again.

This made me think about the inherently resilient nature of us humans.

I’m sure it must have happened to you: you might have made a mistake while doing something or getting to know someone and incurred great loss whether in form of material or just an excruciating heartache. Post which, you might have sworn that you’d never commit the same act ever again. Or trust anyone ever again. But after a while, you might have found yourself re-visiting the same place.

If it would have gone well this time around, you’d have been glad that you learnt and unlearnt the lesson. But if because of some unfortunate reason you’d have managed to hurt yourself yet again, the pain you’d have felt would have been doubled. You’d have cried and cursed yourself for being “so foolish” once again. The shock would’ve been double- the shock that you were betrayed by someone important to you and the shock accompanying the disappointment that you led yourself down a road that failed you another time.

So, the question is what should one do? Stop trusting? Give up on things?

This is a dilemma that we face from time to time, which often renders us too hard on ourselves, cage ourselves or live in some kind of perpetual fear waiting for the other shoe to drop! Which is not justified at all. Just think about it for a moment. Maybe, we try to fight something that is against the nature. For if it wasn’t for this inbuilt resilience, we’d have never even learnt to walk after our first fall! If every time each one of us was wronged by a friend had stopped us from building friendships with one another, a lot of us… most of us would have zero friends post middle/high school. Scientists would have not made many important discoveries, struggling actors wouldn’t have succeeded in getting work, the entire human race would’ve perished in every sense!

Then, why do we try so hard to harden our hearts after facing rejection/failure/treachery or unkindness? We label ourselves as “emotional fools” and talk down ourselves. Me basically, make it harder for our own selves to heal.

Maybe, what we need to do is to think of pain as a part and parcel of an entire process. Just like childbirth. A mother waits patiently for a long stretch of time, faces discomfort and endures unimaginable amount of terrifying pain while giving birth to her baby. And, yet remembers it as one of the most beautiful moments of her life.

I think we find it harder to keep a positive outlook when we can’t see our future with a certain amount of certainty. It is not in our nature to be comfortable with the unknown. It makes us nervous, fearful, anxious. But we ought to make peace with it.

And how do we do that? There’s really only one way. And, it is to trust. To have faith. For “those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.”*

We need to tell ourselves that even though we don’t know how or when, even though we can’t see just as yet… there is something happening at all times. Something which is bringing us closer to what we really want and need from the core of our heart. Maybe at times, it will seem impossible. But we ought to keep the faith, and remind ourselves to believe when it gets dark.

I’d like to leave you with a line that I came across (very recently) in the movie Decoding Annie Parker“Maybe it is fate, everything that happens to us. But the only way we can make through it is with faith.”

 


*Roald Dahl

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection

How I know that I love you

They say that love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you*.

And, if it is true then I love you.

I haven’t really had a fairytale life. Yes, I realize that I have much to thank for- food, shelter, healthy functioning mind and body, parents willing to spend on my education, safety etc. But I, like everyone else have struggled. My heart is deeply bruised, my soul has scars and in turn my mind has been affected too, it suffers. All my life, ever since I remember I used to wish for someone to care for me- as an individual. You know that concern when you just want for someone to be happy, when you want to see them smile, when you wish to take away all of their sorrows… Basically, when you feel for someone instead of your imaginary image of them. You actually want for them to be happy instead of your idea of what might give them happiness. When you’d have their back not because it is the right thing to do (given your equation with them) but because it stems from somewhere deep within.

I’ve felt that way for people. I’ve felt that way for my friends. My friends, who were my family… Until I discovered that they just didn’t care/feel the same way and I was on my own.

There are scientific models, which go on to show that a human has some basic needs and they are more than just food, water, shelter, security, and social recognition. We’re humans and we want love and affection of other humans. And, I know that I definitely do.

After having felt the knife in my back from people who are supposed to be biologically inclined to love you, and then friends followed by the one who swore to never leave my side but did out of reasons of mostly just ego and selfishness. Or maybe it simply was no longer convenient for them to love me? I really needed someone who cared about me for being me. And then, I met you.

Sure, there were moments where you treated me better than I have been treated in my life, simply because I have been treated badly- a lot. But then, I knew from the beginning that I meant nothing to you. A random passerby in the journey of your life. Sure. But nothing more than that.

I’d known; and that hurt for some odd reason.

It started out as just wanting to spend some more time with you, wishing we could be ‘friends’ in the real sense. More than just ‘once known acquaintances’. While being aware all the time that even that was too much to ask for.

When life put forth the first goodbye, I cried, it hurt but I accepted it. I thought that this was it. And, I’d always seen it coming. But apparently it was not. I’d thought that we’d just become one of those friends who just remain on your Facebook friend list. But life had other plans. We happened to cross paths again and there was again yet another occasion, which seemed like goodbye.

But apparently, it wasn’t.

And, here I am… at that point, all over again.
(I can’t tell you how much it hurts.)

Like the mature person that I am supposed to be, someone who has handled tough stuff and tough love over and over again in life, controlled her emotions, steeled her heart and found the courage somehow to move on despite parts of her getting gravely bruised each time… I have done all of that. But there’s only so much that my heart can take.

Some things needn’t have to be experienced. Or once is enough. But going through this loss over and over again is a brutal experience.

I found this quote which beautifully puts into words the predicament:

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Honestly, I’m hurting. I’m hurting a lot and sometimes I am just angry, so angry at the cosmos. I’ve questioned god. I’ve tried to change my perception of life to that of being nihilistic. I have been afraid. I am afraid, because this is so consuming.

Especially, after everything!
Especially, at this point in my life.

But despite the agony and despair, one look at that picture of yours, smiling so earnestly that I can almost hear your laughter by just looking at it, I smile. I smile because that one smile, that picture of one really happy face makes me forget my own heartaches.

And, that’s how I know that I love you.
Even though I am struggling- really, truly, deeply and suffering, as I do.
As a friend, well-wisher… call it what you may.
But I do.

 

*Wayne Dyer

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