Diaries: Echoes of my soul

Memories that bleed…

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Funny (or is it?) how there are things that we want to move on from, how there are memories we want to forget, feelings we don’t want to ever encounter again…

We push them somewhere back into our heads and hearts. Somehow always knowing that they are not going anywhere…

We consciously make a choice every moment to not to relive them. But it can take one vulnerable moment to go back swimming in the depths of their existence, like it was just yesterday…

And, it’s quite amazing how, if we let ourselves we can remember everything with such powerful rawness, as if the wounds never healed. That infact, they are very much still bleeding, and creating a puddle of crimson in which we are sitting… right now. Right in this moment.

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Psychological abuse—
the best of its kind
Keep hurting your victim
And, there’s no outward sign.

The benefits of this practise
Are many more
Do it right
And you do not have to be close

You can work your charm
From the other side of the world
Rip your subject apart from within
Until he can handle no more

I can go on and on about this art
But let me tell you the best part—
Your victim will feel guilt despite your crime
While you can sit back and smile

The closer you are to him
In terms of worldly bonds
Remember, dear abuser
The better will be the charm

So come on now
What’s the wait?
Let him shout in agony
Or not talk about it at all in shame

And, even if he does
Remember—
It would be met with disbelief or
Be simply shrugged away

As you peel his insides layer by layer
Make him hollow & fill him up with despair
He will be only asked to walk it off
To be positive or to let it pass

For they know not the claws are real
Invisible just as the wounds they cause

So come on now
What’s the wait?
Sit it back, relax
And, manipulate

Poems

Dear Abuser,

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Music, Movies & TV

The Hunger Games

Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.

Has it ever happened to you that you had something with you- a TV Series, a film, a novel- lying around with you since a long time. Because, you never got around to really watching/reading it for some odd reason? And then, when you finally did got around to it… it made you wonder why hadn’t you gotten to it sooner? Suddenly, you realise that there is this whole world, this whole amazing experience that you were missing. Like discovering a gem within your own acquired belonging.

This happened to me, sometime last week. When I finally sat down to watch The Hunger Games. Understandably, as any fan would know… it was impossible for me to stop, and luckily I already had the 1st two instalments lying in my movies folder.

As I watched both these movies into the wee hours of the morning I realised my heart growing fiercely fond of Katniss Everdeen. And, I am happy to say that I have finally found my favourite female ‘heroic’ character. The way I see it, she is the female Batman of sorts, sans the super power or the wealth, which makes her even more human and real, if you might say so.

Katniss Everdeen, could literally be the girl next doors. A girl who can be lost in the crowds, easily overlooked by the layman’s eyes. But she possesses something fierce within, much like some of us out there.

What I particularly found commendable about the movies was how they have not try to bring in and play with the sexuality or the sensuality of this remarkable female character. By way of dressing her up in a certain way or otherwise. This, I believe has never happened before. Take for example, someone like Lara Croft whose ‘gender’ is an intrinsic part of her character. And, there are plenty of more examples as such. However, with Katniss… this is truly (and thankfully) not the case.

Parts of me found myself identifying with Katniss and her raw, fierce emotions… which are a sort of diminishing entities these days, if I may say so. She’s not your typical fearless hero. What makes her a hero to me is her humanity. She loves, cries, fears, fights, sacrifices and even schemes just like a normal human being. Yet, there is much more to her than that.

Surely enough, I was thrilled and had a good rest after feasting on the 1st two instalments only waking up to downloading the 3rd one they moment I opened my eyes. Luckily enough, I have also managed to find the ePub of the first book. And, have read a couple of chapters. Hopefully, I will manage to enjoy the book despite the university schedule and other obligations of life. And, will be sharing much more with you.

This is just the beginning.

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Soulful Musings, Special Events & Milestones

Hold On…

Because sometimes, just sometimes when you’re about to just so close to loosening your grip on that edge you’ve been hanging on for so long, just when you think that you can no longer hold on as your hands bleed… and, there is no strength left in you… someone grabs your hands to pull you up. Sometimes, just sometimes you find a helping hand, or two. Just in time, only if you hold on a tiny bit longer.

(In the memory of the past weekend, more specifically 28/02/15)

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul

Love Hurts

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I love this guy. And, he he loves me too, at least he says so?
So, thats it… isn’t it? That should suffice and everything else should be easy. But its not.
And, why can’t it not be?

Its not short of a miracle to be loved back by the person you love. Then, why do things have to be so difficult even when
this blessing is bestowed upon us? Why do other things have to come between it and complicate it?

There are enough complications and heartaches in life, unpredictability and zero guarantee. Then, why do we unnecessarily
complicate things when we can make the most of them?

I don’t think that I’ve had an easy life. But even in the darkest of hours, knowing that someone loves you and care for you has
made a whole lot of difference to me.

I remember that wanting to be loved was one of my very first desires that I can recall. One of the first, strongest and consistent ones.
Wanting to be loved, and to love in return. Just this hope, and this dream enabled me to carry on through the very rough of times while
growing up. And then, suddenly when I almost had it. Everything changed. Nothing else mattered. I was loved. I believed it. And,
I poured every ounce of love into the other person back in return. That unwavering faith, trust and belief that you hear about from time
to time, I had that. Not that there weren’t doubts and fears in life. Challenges and agony, still. But nothing mattered so much because
I thought that I was loved and I had someone I cared for and god, he cared for me too.

And then, one day… just like that it was all pulled from beneath me and I fell flat on my face. Every bit of me was shattered into a million
pieces even before I could really understand what was happening. It took so long for me to understand it, that the pieces were hammered
again and again, weakening me, scarring me, damaging every shred of my existence. It took long to accept it, and way too long to decide to
put an end to it.

And, to stand back up on my feet? I know not.

Some cuts are so deep, and painful that they change you. In ways you don’t even realise. They even make you resolve to never let it happen
to you again. Never give someone that kind of power.

But then again, to love is to be vulnerable.

I am not sure if this is even possible but I think I was careful. While, it didn’t took a second to understand and care for him. I took my time
to trust again. Maybe, I did all along. And, my cause of fear wasn’t doubt but the realisation that I just know one way to love. All in.
I love too strong, too much, too deep. And, in today’s world thats a flaw in itself. Threatens your survival, even.

And here I am. Shaking, shivering, crying, afraid, so afraid.
Clueless, helpless.
Praying to god for mercy.

Please make it okay.
Please don’t do this to me.
Please.

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