Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

Writing- From A Place Of Pain.

Definitely not deliberately, but some of my best writing has found its roots in some kind of pain or angst. And as it might be evident, the majority of poetry in this very blog was written when my heart was totally shattered. I wonder why this happens?

It’s not that I have not found words in the moments of joy and love. In fact, I really developed as a writer, penning down some of my most emotional and coherent prose, full of soul and passion during that time of my life. Even noticeably impacting my academics (language subjects) rather positively. But that has been a very long time ago. I wonder why, again…

I must admit that I have always admired people who’ve take one form of negativity and channelized into something brilliant. Mostly, I have noticed these are artists and creators of one kind or an other. Videos, Poems, Art… Oh, how I wish sometimes when words evade me, specially in moments of torment that I could just take a pencil and/or some colours and create something beautiful on a piece of paper. Something sans words, yet something very telling of the state within. But alas, I’m not an artist of that sort. Yet.

This word ‘yet’ has a new found place in the dictionary of my life. Because, clichés like never-say-never have becomes words that truly resonate with me now. Besides, for the most part and when it comes to most (positive things) like learning, experiencing or trying something… It’s never too late I suppose. It is always possible to make it happen if you really, really want to…

So for now, I will let the questions just be questions and will close my very tired eyes, and rest my very tired shoulders for a while. Oh god, I have always loved nights!

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul

Love Hurts

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I love this guy. And, he he loves me too, at least he says so?
So, thats it… isn’t it? That should suffice and everything else should be easy. But its not.
And, why can’t it not be?

Its not short of a miracle to be loved back by the person you love. Then, why do things have to be so difficult even when
this blessing is bestowed upon us? Why do other things have to come between it and complicate it?

There are enough complications and heartaches in life, unpredictability and zero guarantee. Then, why do we unnecessarily
complicate things when we can make the most of them?

I don’t think that I’ve had an easy life. But even in the darkest of hours, knowing that someone loves you and care for you has
made a whole lot of difference to me.

I remember that wanting to be loved was one of my very first desires that I can recall. One of the first, strongest and consistent ones.
Wanting to be loved, and to love in return. Just this hope, and this dream enabled me to carry on through the very rough of times while
growing up. And then, suddenly when I almost had it. Everything changed. Nothing else mattered. I was loved. I believed it. And,
I poured every ounce of love into the other person back in return. That unwavering faith, trust and belief that you hear about from time
to time, I had that. Not that there weren’t doubts and fears in life. Challenges and agony, still. But nothing mattered so much because
I thought that I was loved and I had someone I cared for and god, he cared for me too.

And then, one day… just like that it was all pulled from beneath me and I fell flat on my face. Every bit of me was shattered into a million
pieces even before I could really understand what was happening. It took so long for me to understand it, that the pieces were hammered
again and again, weakening me, scarring me, damaging every shred of my existence. It took long to accept it, and way too long to decide to
put an end to it.

And, to stand back up on my feet? I know not.

Some cuts are so deep, and painful that they change you. In ways you don’t even realise. They even make you resolve to never let it happen
to you again. Never give someone that kind of power.

But then again, to love is to be vulnerable.

I am not sure if this is even possible but I think I was careful. While, it didn’t took a second to understand and care for him. I took my time
to trust again. Maybe, I did all along. And, my cause of fear wasn’t doubt but the realisation that I just know one way to love. All in.
I love too strong, too much, too deep. And, in today’s world thats a flaw in itself. Threatens your survival, even.

And here I am. Shaking, shivering, crying, afraid, so afraid.
Clueless, helpless.
Praying to god for mercy.

Please make it okay.
Please don’t do this to me.
Please.

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection

How I know that I love you

They say that love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you*.

And, if it is true then I love you.

I haven’t really had a fairytale life. Yes, I realize that I have much to thank for- food, shelter, healthy functioning mind and body, parents willing to spend on my education, safety etc. But I, like everyone else have struggled. My heart is deeply bruised, my soul has scars and in turn my mind has been affected too, it suffers. All my life, ever since I remember I used to wish for someone to care for me- as an individual. You know that concern when you just want for someone to be happy, when you want to see them smile, when you wish to take away all of their sorrows… Basically, when you feel for someone instead of your imaginary image of them. You actually want for them to be happy instead of your idea of what might give them happiness. When you’d have their back not because it is the right thing to do (given your equation with them) but because it stems from somewhere deep within.

I’ve felt that way for people. I’ve felt that way for my friends. My friends, who were my family… Until I discovered that they just didn’t care/feel the same way and I was on my own.

There are scientific models, which go on to show that a human has some basic needs and they are more than just food, water, shelter, security, and social recognition. We’re humans and we want love and affection of other humans. And, I know that I definitely do.

After having felt the knife in my back from people who are supposed to be biologically inclined to love you, and then friends followed by the one who swore to never leave my side but did out of reasons of mostly just ego and selfishness. Or maybe it simply was no longer convenient for them to love me? I really needed someone who cared about me for being me. And then, I met you.

Sure, there were moments where you treated me better than I have been treated in my life, simply because I have been treated badly- a lot. But then, I knew from the beginning that I meant nothing to you. A random passerby in the journey of your life. Sure. But nothing more than that.

I’d known; and that hurt for some odd reason.

It started out as just wanting to spend some more time with you, wishing we could be ‘friends’ in the real sense. More than just ‘once known acquaintances’. While being aware all the time that even that was too much to ask for.

When life put forth the first goodbye, I cried, it hurt but I accepted it. I thought that this was it. And, I’d always seen it coming. But apparently it was not. I’d thought that we’d just become one of those friends who just remain on your Facebook friend list. But life had other plans. We happened to cross paths again and there was again yet another occasion, which seemed like goodbye.

But apparently, it wasn’t.

And, here I am… at that point, all over again.
(I can’t tell you how much it hurts.)

Like the mature person that I am supposed to be, someone who has handled tough stuff and tough love over and over again in life, controlled her emotions, steeled her heart and found the courage somehow to move on despite parts of her getting gravely bruised each time… I have done all of that. But there’s only so much that my heart can take.

Some things needn’t have to be experienced. Or once is enough. But going through this loss over and over again is a brutal experience.

I found this quote which beautifully puts into words the predicament:

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Honestly, I’m hurting. I’m hurting a lot and sometimes I am just angry, so angry at the cosmos. I’ve questioned god. I’ve tried to change my perception of life to that of being nihilistic. I have been afraid. I am afraid, because this is so consuming.

Especially, after everything!
Especially, at this point in my life.

But despite the agony and despair, one look at that picture of yours, smiling so earnestly that I can almost hear your laughter by just looking at it, I smile. I smile because that one smile, that picture of one really happy face makes me forget my own heartaches.

And, that’s how I know that I love you.
Even though I am struggling- really, truly, deeply and suffering, as I do.
As a friend, well-wisher… call it what you may.
But I do.

 

*Wayne Dyer

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