Introspection, Poems

To be (w)hole

There’s a gaping hole
In my soul.
I no longer merely want to
decorate my house. But
create a home. With
not just things but someone I love.
And, who loves me back. In a way
that fills the cracks in my heart.
There’s no agony.
No more pain.
No reminders of
the bruises of the past.


Psychological abuse—
the best of its kind
Keep hurting your victim
And, there’s no outward sign.

The benefits of this practise
Are many more
Do it right
And you do not have to be close

You can work your charm
From the other side of the world
Rip your subject apart from within
Until he can handle no more

I can go on and on about this art
But let me tell you the best part—
Your victim will feel guilt despite your crime
While you can sit back and smile

The closer you are to him
In terms of worldly bonds
Remember, dear abuser
The better will be the charm

So come on now
What’s the wait?
Let him shout in agony
Or not talk about it at all in shame

And, even if he does
It would be met with disbelief or
Be simply shrugged away

As you peel his insides layer by layer
Make him hollow & fill him up with despair
He will be only asked to walk it off
To be positive or to let it pass

For they know not the claws are real
Invisible just as the wounds they cause

So come on now
What’s the wait?
Sit it back, relax
And, manipulate


Dear Abuser,


Crimson Skin

Take the dagger to your wrist
Slowly, slowly make some slits
Go over the crimson skin
Let the droplets wash away your sins
Soak up in the throbbing sting
Just as it grows sharp-
Although weak in contrast-
To the anguish within,

Let it burn
Let it sting
Sing that song you always sing
Feel your head get fogged
Stand up on your feet
And do the wobbly dance
Wear yourself out-

Don’t stop until you fall!
Close your lids
And drift off
Away from the insensitivity of this world,
Away from the pain of it all.

Let the synchrony
Of the head, heart and now the burning flesh
Lull you into a place
So calm,
You finally find some peace!


Praying for the end

Gnawing on my insides
My throat is aching
My ears are burning
My breath is short
Life is completely distort

Every day used to be a struggle
Every minute is one now

My heart’s shattered
My soul’s crushed
Being alive
Seems to be a curse

I’ve tried to be patient
Kept faith
And endured

Worked hard
I had further damage
To control

But now I’m broken
After trying it all
There’s barely any strength
I can procure

Praying for the end

End to this pain
Or to this life
For I have nothing more-
To give or gain.

Diaries: Echoes of my soul

Losing Faith: So hard to breathe.

I’m losing faith in life.

I’m losing faith in the ways of this world.

I have questions, so many questions and plenty of doubts. Along with the realization that I am nowhere close to finding any answers. In fact, I’ve been entertaining the thought that I may never get answers to these questions and these doubts fogging my brain, freezing my insides and crushing my soul.

It’s funny how it seems like nothing amounts to anything. You might feel so strongly that it hurts, you might need so strongly that it literally becomes so hard to breathe, you might have prayed and hoped for it all your life. It may be consuming, intense, and more real than anything that you’ve ever felt. But it can still amount to nothing.

Something or someone that means the world to you can just turn their back upon you one fine day. Show you that you mean absolutely nothing to them. Your absence in their lives goes absolutely unnoticed; while for you, for you it’s been the core of your life.

And, you’re supposed to carry one like nothing ever happened. You’re supposed to keep waking up everyday into what seems like waking up into a nightmare, putting one foot in front of the other even as it bodily hurts to breathe. You’re supposed to act like everything is okay and you’re fine. You’re supposed to act like it is all going to be okay. But the question is, is it really going to be okay?

My breath is rapid, and fast… my throat really, really hurts as I type this out. My eyes are foggy, my senses at the peak of their alertness to pain yet in a weird kind of daze. I’ve been waiting here, like this, since a very, very long time now. Sure, I have lived and tasted some good moments for which I am grateful but everything has ended painfully. Rendering me weaker than before.

Every. Single Time.

I remember thinking in the past as to how much would be too much? What would be the last straw? What will it be that it finally pushes me off the edge? Because sometimes, it is just astonishing as to how much pain can the heart endure. Psychological, emotional pain which eventually starts showing physiologically. And yet for some reason, you continue to breathe through it all.

I don’t know if everyone goes through something like this through a major part of their lives. Or through their entire lives. But I sure hope not.

I hope that there is another reality. Maybe not for me… but for others. I hope that it exists, where it is not so hard to breathe.

I really, really do.

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