Introspection, Poems

To be (w)hole

There’s a gaping hole
In my soul.
I no longer merely want to
decorate my house. But
create a home. With
not just things but someone I love.
And, who loves me back. In a way
that fills the cracks in my heart.
There’s no agony.
No more pain.
No reminders of
the bruises of the past.

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection

How I know that I love you

They say that love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you*.

And, if it is true then I love you.

I haven’t really had a fairytale life. Yes, I realize that I have much to thank for- food, shelter, healthy functioning mind and body, parents willing to spend on my education, safety etc. But I, like everyone else have struggled. My heart is deeply bruised, my soul has scars and in turn my mind has been affected too, it suffers. All my life, ever since I remember I used to wish for someone to care for me- as an individual. You know that concern when you just want for someone to be happy, when you want to see them smile, when you wish to take away all of their sorrows… Basically, when you feel for someone instead of your imaginary image of them. You actually want for them to be happy instead of your idea of what might give them happiness. When you’d have their back not because it is the right thing to do (given your equation with them) but because it stems from somewhere deep within.

I’ve felt that way for people. I’ve felt that way for my friends. My friends, who were my family… Until I discovered that they just didn’t care/feel the same way and I was on my own.

There are scientific models, which go on to show that a human has some basic needs and they are more than just food, water, shelter, security, and social recognition. We’re humans and we want love and affection of other humans. And, I know that I definitely do.

After having felt the knife in my back from people who are supposed to be biologically inclined to love you, and then friends followed by the one who swore to never leave my side but did out of reasons of mostly just ego and selfishness. Or maybe it simply was no longer convenient for them to love me? I really needed someone who cared about me for being me. And then, I met you.

Sure, there were moments where you treated me better than I have been treated in my life, simply because I have been treated badly- a lot. But then, I knew from the beginning that I meant nothing to you. A random passerby in the journey of your life. Sure. But nothing more than that.

I’d known; and that hurt for some odd reason.

It started out as just wanting to spend some more time with you, wishing we could be ‘friends’ in the real sense. More than just ‘once known acquaintances’. While being aware all the time that even that was too much to ask for.

When life put forth the first goodbye, I cried, it hurt but I accepted it. I thought that this was it. And, I’d always seen it coming. But apparently it was not. I’d thought that we’d just become one of those friends who just remain on your Facebook friend list. But life had other plans. We happened to cross paths again and there was again yet another occasion, which seemed like goodbye.

But apparently, it wasn’t.

And, here I am… at that point, all over again.
(I can’t tell you how much it hurts.)

Like the mature person that I am supposed to be, someone who has handled tough stuff and tough love over and over again in life, controlled her emotions, steeled her heart and found the courage somehow to move on despite parts of her getting gravely bruised each time… I have done all of that. But there’s only so much that my heart can take.

Some things needn’t have to be experienced. Or once is enough. But going through this loss over and over again is a brutal experience.

I found this quote which beautifully puts into words the predicament:

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Honestly, I’m hurting. I’m hurting a lot and sometimes I am just angry, so angry at the cosmos. I’ve questioned god. I’ve tried to change my perception of life to that of being nihilistic. I have been afraid. I am afraid, because this is so consuming.

Especially, after everything!
Especially, at this point in my life.

But despite the agony and despair, one look at that picture of yours, smiling so earnestly that I can almost hear your laughter by just looking at it, I smile. I smile because that one smile, that picture of one really happy face makes me forget my own heartaches.

And, that’s how I know that I love you.
Even though I am struggling- really, truly, deeply and suffering, as I do.
As a friend, well-wisher… call it what you may.
But I do.

 

*Wayne Dyer

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul

Nipping it in the bud

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This is probably my second diary entry kind of journal. I don’t know if something like this comes under the category of real writing, good writing. But a tornado is brewing inside me. And, I feel the need to type it all out.

Actually, it’s like a second calamity, which brings into forefront the lingering, dormant volcano within.

I don’t even know how to start. I don’t know how I got here. But this is happening to me right now! And, I somehow can’t help it. Or maybe I can and I am not? I don’t know. You tell me. Someone, anyone out there.

Everybody who’s been following my blog, my poems etc may already have an idea that I am undergoing a struggle in order to establish myself as a career woman, to stand up on my feet which is more than just my ambition but a dire necessity for anything else to be possible in my life. And, most of all to gain control of my own life and prevent it from being manipulated by certain significant others in my life. To have a say, in my own life. Alongside, I am dealing with the aftermath of a failed relationship. Which was much more than just a relationship to me, the fact that I cannot be with the love of my life or the love of my life just didn’t love me back in the way that true love really is. As if all this wasn’t enough I see my heart strangled in a totally new situation, which is causing me unbearable amounts of hurt, making me question myself or just driving me insane in short.

It is not something that ‘just happened’ today/yesterday/a couple of weeks ago. It is certainly not something fleeting as I have learnt with time. It has been present all along. I’m just able to immerse myself in other despairs, which are supposed to be more real. Most of all, I know better than to encourage this feeling. Somethings need to be nipped in the bud if at all you let them reach the stage of budding in the first place. But every now and then, a close encounter forces you to face the music. The feeling is so intense and real that you cannot just shrug it away. You find yourself nipping the buds over and over again. Your only option it to not water them, for they bloom at the first sprinkle of water. Then, you realize that maybe what you really need to do is that you need to dig up deep, find the seeds, find the roots, find the source and just rip it all out. Burn, destroy, kill.

But the question is should you or should you not?

What if you’re a hot, dry, vast expanse of barren land, seemingly never ending…
Should you rip the only bud trying to find its way to the ground and blossom?
And what if it’s just a weed? And do you confirm that?

To be continued….

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Poems

If I could…

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If I could, I would…
Wrap my arms around you,
And slowly breathe you in,
As the whole world would come to a stand still.

If I could, I would…
Share all your sorrows.
And be a part of your happiness.
For seeing you really laugh,
Is more joyous than anything else.

If I could, I would…
Just gently hold your hand once.
And slide my fingers between yours;
As we’d sit silently,
Listening to your heart strum,
The most beautiful melody,
That this world has to offer!

If I could, I would…
Want to touch your heart too,
So that you know just how I feel,
My dearest one,
About you!

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Poems

I care

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You walked into the room,
Almost straight into my heart.
The turn of events would be so,
I absolutely knew not!

Your earnest smile, That glint in your eyes
The way you talked, the way you walked
Reminded me of who I once was.

Something told me, you had a genuine heart
Your warmth was impossible to keep away from.
You touched my soul,
It felt so whole;
The carefully built wall around my heart…
Just fell apart.

And then, you went away
Just as quickly as you’d come.
My tears of joy turned into those of sorrow,
I longed for your love.

It wasn’t so hard to compose myself
Though the pain couldn’t be ignored!
For you were never mine, nor ever will be
This pointed truth, I’d known
All long!

Now, I wish you well, with all my heart
Each day, I say a little prayer.
For your happiness, joy and peace…
Because, I truly do care!

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