Introspection, Poems

To be (w)hole

There’s a gaping hole
In my soul.
I no longer merely want to
decorate my house. But
create a home. With
not just things but someone I love.
And, who loves me back. In a way
that fills the cracks in my heart.
There’s no agony.
No more pain.
No reminders of
the bruises of the past.

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Special Events & Milestones

A peculiar dream

What I am about to type out right now holds some sort of significance, I feel.

I don’t always dream. Or at least I don’t remember my dreams. It is extremely rare that I remember my hazy dreams early in the morning. And after a while, even that memory fades away. Most of the time, I’m glad because they are nightmares.

But in the last couple of months, Feb/March I remember having two dreams. (I am not sure at the moment if there was a third one. There may have been). And yesterday, there was another. It was a pretty bizarre dream. A dream with unknown people in it, one of them being pivotal to the story. A dream that made me happy. In fact, the happiness of the dream seemed to have seeped through to my consciousness as I woke up.

I’m not sure if I was entirely comfortable with the contents of my dream. But I remember feeling so moved (in the dream) that even my conscious mind felt it.

Let me tell you guys more about it…

There was this guy in my dream. A guy who had feelings for me. I think he claimed to love me. And, I didn’t feel the same way. I was unsure, wary of trusting him. I think I doubted his intentions. I told him how I felt. And yet, he tried to (not really clear on the details) prove his feelings to be true.

I remember at the very end, I was walking away. He approached me one last time. His friends were there too, in his support. I don’t think he’d said anything but it was that look in his eyes. His eyes filled with tears. It’s like I could see the pain in them. The pain of the forthcoming loss… it was that particular look which melted some part of me. So much so that, being the empathizing person that I am, I felt his pinch too. It’s then, that I reached my hand out to barely touch his arm from the tips of my fingers. It lasted for a nano-second. Touch and miss. But I felt my heart bleed in that moment. Not sure if it was only because I felt his pain. Or if it was because I know what it is to feel like that.

I clearly remember though, it was partly because for the first time in my life… (in my dream) there was this one person who really wanted to be with me. And, he was distraught over the thought of losing me.

Sure, all of this has got to do a lot with what my heart/subconscious wishes for. After always being the person who cares more- in friendships, in my relationship, everywhere with everyone. There’s no doubt that I want to be cared for in the same capacity if not more. “We accept the love that we think we deserve.” *

But the peculiar thing about the dream is that how it featured people in it whom I have never met in my life. Yet their faces I could see. Specially, that guy’s.

I’m sure the mind must have conjured up the faces from all the faces that I have come across till date or someone resembling an actor on TV/in a movie. But that guy’s face was rather vivid. No names though. There were no names.

It seems really weird to say but it made me want to believe in the possibility of being cared for (in any capacity whatsoever) sometime in the future in my life, which I really doubt from time to time going by the historical evidence of my life and specially, in the light of recent events.

Yet, this whole experience is nothing short of bizarre to me. There is this peace that it wasn’t the guy I have been writing about of late or my ex. But a totally new face! Because that would show some sort of weakness (?) yet at the same time I feel guilty that I dreamt of some third person when I’m clearly battling feelings for someone in my real life.

[Talking of which, something within me strongly feels that there’s more to it. There’s more to me and him. I am not sure what but that’s what I feel intuitively. Even though, I am fully aware that these could just be the manifestations of my own desires and wishes. So, I have let it be. Only time will tell. Maybe just the opposite happens, which seems more logical to me.]

Yes, I know dreams are just dreams. They don’t have to be analyzed too much. But they can’t be totally ignored either, as sometimes they tell us about ourselves, our subconscious.  So, here I am sharing it with you guys, because this one was rather peculiar.

Have you had any peculiar dreams?
Do you read into your dreams?
I’ll be totally thrilled to hear your stories! 🙂

*The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

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Poems

Love will see me through…

The Poetess’s Note Love & Pain: Two of the most potent emotions which inspire artists to create!

This love I feel for you
It’s beautiful, amazing and true!

Your voice calms my demons
Your smile soothes my soul.

And even though I know-
I can never have you
Oh baby, I’m all yours!

.

That one amazing moment
In which our worlds happened to collide;
That single, precious moment
Has brought my beaten soul
So much respite!

For the couple of seconds
That you knew
My sincere feelings for you;
The fact that I existed
In this world-
Somewhere around you.

They truly were the most exhilarating few;
That I’ve ever lived through!

They made me feel alive, for once
They made me feel some joy, for once
Oh baby, it’s all you!

And even though I know-
That I can never have you;
I know that my love for you
Will see me through!

.

Dedicated to BG

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