Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

Writing- From A Place Of Pain.

Definitely not deliberately, but some of my best writing has found its roots in some kind of pain or angst. And as it might be evident, the majority of poetry in this very blog was written when my heart was totally shattered. I wonder why this happens?

It’s not that I have not found words in the moments of joy and love. In fact, I really developed as a writer, penning down some of my most emotional and coherent prose, full of soul and passion during that time of my life. Even noticeably impacting my academics (language subjects) rather positively. But that has been a very long time ago. I wonder why, again…

I must admit that I have always admired people who’ve take one form of negativity and channelized into something brilliant. Mostly, I have noticed these are artists and creators of one kind or an other. Videos, Poems, Art… Oh, how I wish sometimes when words evade me, specially in moments of torment that I could just take a pencil and/or some colours and create something beautiful on a piece of paper. Something sans words, yet something very telling of the state within. But alas, I’m not an artist of that sort. Yet.

This word ‘yet’ has a new found place in the dictionary of my life. Because, clichés like never-say-never have becomes words that truly resonate with me now. Besides, for the most part and when it comes to most (positive things) like learning, experiencing or trying something… It’s never too late I suppose. It is always possible to make it happen if you really, really want to…

So for now, I will let the questions just be questions and will close my very tired eyes, and rest my very tired shoulders for a while. Oh god, I have always loved nights!

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Travel & Lifestyle

The road to Ireland (#2)

#2: Feelings

As I sit here to finally blog… I realise that it’s been a while since I posted last. I’m definitely not on schedule. But I’m here now, with the next chapter to the road to Ireland, to my road to Ireland.

I can say it with a lot of certainty that I’m an emotional individual; extremely perceptive of the emotions and feelings of both- others and my own self. I think I have always been this way, as far as I can look back. And, contrary to the popular belief I am not afraid or ashamed to say so. Yes, I am an emotional and sensitive human being who gives due importance to these qualities, for I believe that they make us human. But I recognise the importance of a rational mind too! And, I’d like to point out that these two sides aren’t mutually exclusive.

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Source: Thought Catalog

Given, something like this (study abroad/moving abroad) is monumental in any individual’s life, it is anything but natural to be feeling a variety of things- feelings of excitement, joy, nervousness etc… But I think I feel scared too. In a way that it is seems to be wrapping a cold blanket around my heart and thus, slowing my steps towards the process of preparation.

So, here I am today… to essentially share the gamut of feelings that I’ve been experiencing thus far… (I’ll try to be chronological)

Phase 1: The Day Dreaming
A journey of 1 year, 4 months and 9 days to the day I finally got the admit from the university I wanted to go to. A journey, which hasn’t been devoid of twists and turns, tears and heart burn (about which those of you who’ve been following my blog posts and poems know a lot).

So, in the midst of all the troubles at home and within my heart, a godsent friend told me to relax, stay motivated and take it easy by Day Dreaming! Honestly, it has always been my go to coping mechanism but after this much needed push I decided to do so more in terms of reading up on about Dublin, other counties of Ireland (in general) and things one can do in Europe.

This was followed by a lot of goosebumps, smiles, dreams and plans. A few notes and to-do lists. Travelling, exploring, adventure sporting, maximising the experience in the university and gaining the most out of this opportunity of living abroad being the agenda.*

And just like that I had something to look forward to. A future, a hopeful one at that. I finally found this thing which had some potential, which made me want to live life and the horrors within me started to fade away.

Phase 2: Joy and Relief
9th May 2014, I received my test scores by post and the same evening I checked my inbox to see a conditional acceptance from the university. (Conditional since I hadn’t had the chance to update my test scores).

It was on 16th May 2014 that I received and accepted a full offer and there I felt the warmth of joy within me.

With something to look forward to and to move on to, even the deepest injuries within seemed to have started to heal. There was finally hope, which I wasn’t sure a few days ago if I’d ever see again.

Phase 3: The Slowdown and Fears
This is more or less what I am currently feeling.

It’s like I’ve hit a speed breaker of sorts. I am no longer researching/reading up things, apart from browsing the various pages of the university quite frequently. Sure, every now and then I remind myself of the things that I was looking into initially. There are still things that I want to do and experience. But I think there is some kind of fear/apprehension or just nervousness plaguing my sub-conscious. Or maybe, my patience has run out and I just want to get started already. It’s been too damn long.

I won’t be surprised if the fear (and all the other negative emotions) have something to do with my past experiences. I’m not even sure if I should use the term “past experiences”, “life experiences” would be more appropriate. It’s just that every time I have put my hopes on anything or anyone, trusted something or some one… it hasn’t turned out too well. It’s like lying on the bed all tired and trying to sit up, while being repeatedly pushed back by someone who has their strong hands on your shoulders.

Yes, I am terrified.

I am terrified at the very thought of once again being disappointed, of things not turning out to be good and just meeting bad luck despite all my efforts and drive. I am terrified at the thought that maybe my insides have been irreversibly damaged after suffering blow after blow. It’s not like magic, that you wake up one day and all your aches disappear. I know that it is a process that one has to undertake consciously and, it is natural to have ‘bad days’. In fact, I had one such day yesterday, so much so that I couldn’t complete this post and had to stop in between. And, I can’t tell you how it’s made me feel.

It’s 10am and I am propped up in my bed, unable to shut my head and heart and be able to sleep.

I just really hope that there are good things on the other side. I’ve a lot riding on this- everything. Everything!

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Travel & Lifestyle

The road to Ireland (#1)

#1: The Big News 

x Amen x

I have been meaning to write this post since quite sometime now. 9th of May’14, to be specific. But for some reason, I didn’t sit down to type it out until this very moment. Thanks to Heavy Fuel by Dire Straits for suddenly putting me in the mood to act on my plans.

Honestly, I was waiting for the ‘right’ moment to blog about this topic, and like they rightly say “there’s no better moment than now”. Guess, initially I just wanted to take time to soak in the news. And, yes… it did take quite some time to absorb it. Much day dreaming (about future plans and potential possibilities), gratitude and much awaited chance to experience some cheerfulness later, I got busy with “the next step”.

Those of you who’ve been following my blog know that I have been working on something to change my life since a very long time now. I’ve been at it almost since the very inception of this blog, been counting on it and pinning my hopes on it. In fact, I needed this break to have something to hope for, to look forward to in the first place. And, many thanks to god (also, everyone who’s been a part of this journey with me, including you guys) it’s finally here. I finally see a glimmer of hope, a glimmer with a lot of potential to become that beaming light which changes my life for good.

There’s a major chunk of extremely crucial work remaining which shall seal the deal, but I think it’s time to share it with you lovely people!

Yes guys, I got accepted in one of the top universities in Ireland!

It’s the one I wanted to go to study a specific course of my choice!
Yes, it is finally about to happen! After all the efforts, trying times and more than a year of worrying, wondering and prayers…

So far I have not really gone public with this news with most people in my life, only a handful of people (including my family- obviously) know about this. I intend to break the news to one/two more people once every formality is completed. And, rest of the world would probably see it via check-ins/other updates on social networking sites which will happen once I ‘actually’ reach there. So you guys, my dear bloggers, are now in my close-knit circle of trust. 😛

Having accepted the offer, I am currently working on the next set of formalities (required for moving), which of course is as crucial as securing the offer itself.

Yes, I am nervous, anxious and excited. And, I plan to share this journey with you in “The road to Ireland” blog series, with this being the #1 blog.

In the coming days, I shall talk to you about all things related to this news- my feelings, the various things on my mind, the progress and most importantly, I am going to fill you in about HOW I got here and what this means to me.

I couldn’t have made it so far without you guys and this blog. And, I need your support to keep going strong. This has not been easy, but your wishes have helped me immensely. Please keep them coming.

Much love,
xoxox
@ignitedeyes

 

 

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul

It’s now or never.

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I’ve been feeling nervous lately.
In fact, I feel nervous at this moment.

Since Dec 26, 2012 I have been on a journey to set things straight in my life. To shift from the status quo, because the status quo I realised was not the answer to what I am seeking in life.

Despite having lived life by meticulously planning every important detail and stringent prioritisation with the help of internal reflection and reality checks, I still managed to hit the wall in 2012.

I’d been a sincere student throughout school, in preparation of a career, which was the key to not only my internal ambitious and self actualisation needs but also the key to freedom. The freedom for actually living life and not merely existing; the freedom of leading a life where I could enjoy my rights and not just relentlessly fulfil my duties. The freedom to do something and to become someone in my own right.

I had always known what mattered the most to me. Just two things really- my career and love. Nothing more, nothing less.

Since, I have already touched upon the career part a bit. I want to now, elaborate upon what I mean by love. By love, I essentially mean people. People and relationships, which enhance the experience of living life just by their presence in ours. People who increase happiness and diminish sorrow when we share it with them.

I’ve always believed that there are blood relations, and then there are those, which keep your heart pumping blood through your veins…
For some of us these may coincide, while for the rest the story can be slightly different. It doesn’t matter. But what does really matter is the fact that people and relationships do make an integral part of human existence and it is the quality of these people and relationships that has a great impact on the quality of life that we lead.

With my head and heart in the right place, I did everything that I was supposed to do. I studied hard, I struck the crucial balance between my aspirational calls and the need to nurture relationships that mattered. I checked all the boxes. I went through some trying times, and I fought to survive. I fought to win. But still, I hit the wall.

I realised that I (unfortunately) didn’t have a single true friend in need by my side. Even my most precious relationship of over a decade failed me. It was like falling through an endless black hole and hitting the ground with the hardest thud possible. Yet, I refused to give up. I got up, brushed myself and set out to start my career. This was it. It was the time to get a flavour of being a working woman, the first step towards a long journey ahead. And, just like that I was hit by a wave of disillusion so strong, it became hard to wake up everyday.

I remember going to bed some nights, secretly wishing for not waking up the next day. Only to wake up and to find myself cursing that I had to face another day of monotony. Things at work weren’t great to say the least. And, I was alone amongst company, which let me tell you, is by far the worst kind of loneliness you can face in life.

There were bad days, and I was absolutely alone. Then, there were good days, great days even (like my college’s convocation, finding out that I graduated at the top of my class…) and I was still absolutely alone.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I’d gotten used to handling the tough times on my own. I’d learnt at an age too young that no one really cared. But here I was, having done everything I was supposed to do, with proofs and results to show. Yet, there was this emptiness within me, which magnified day by day, by day.

Soon enough, the company I was working for decided to shut down an entire department. And, I had to take a very tough call. I was all of 22, and I had to decide the next step. The next step, which could make or break my future. And, so I did.

It was time to take a step back; time to step out of the system, to not to fall prey to just “how things are” and to not to resign to complacency. For I was only 22! Too young to give in or lose the remnant sparkle in my eyes. Moreover, I had a lot at stake- everything.

So here I am. It’s been over a year. 1 year, 4 months and a couple of days.

I have seen my life turn upside down in this period. I’ve seen things fall apart, including myself. I have wanted to give up, several times and have been so close to losing it totally. I have seen everything go darker when I was expecting light. But here I am now, waiting.

I’ve worked hard. Given it my all. I’ve done my very best under the circumstances and then a little bit more. I have realised how much harder it becomes to not have support or even anyone to talk to. But sometimes, all you can do is persist. Persist and walk alone.

I feel terrified, for the judgment day is approaching.
And, all I can do is wait, hope and pray.

I really, really need this to live.
It’s now or never!

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