Love. Agony.
Selflessness. Selfishness.

All at once. All too much.

Shame. Disdain. Loss. Immobility.


Introspection, Poems

To be (w)hole

There’s a gaping hole
In my soul.
I no longer merely want to
decorate my house. But
create a home. With
not just things but someone I love.
And, who loves me back. In a way
that fills the cracks in my heart.
There’s no agony.
No more pain.
No reminders of
the bruises of the past.

Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

Writing- From A Place Of Pain.

Definitely not deliberately, but some of my best writing has found its roots in some kind of pain or angst. And as it might be evident, the majority of poetry in this very blog was written when my heart was totally shattered. I wonder why this happens?

It’s not that I have not found words in the moments of joy and love. In fact, I really developed as a writer, penning down some of my most emotional and coherent prose, full of soul and passion during that time of my life. Even noticeably impacting my academics (language subjects) rather positively. But that has been a very long time ago. I wonder why, again…

I must admit that I have always admired people who’ve take one form of negativity and channelized into something brilliant. Mostly, I have noticed these are artists and creators of one kind or an other. Videos, Poems, Art… Oh, how I wish sometimes when words evade me, specially in moments of torment that I could just take a pencil and/or some colours and create something beautiful on a piece of paper. Something sans words, yet something very telling of the state within. But alas, I’m not an artist of that sort. Yet.

This word ‘yet’ has a new found place in the dictionary of my life. Because, clichés like never-say-never have becomes words that truly resonate with me now. Besides, for the most part and when it comes to most (positive things) like learning, experiencing or trying something… It’s never too late I suppose. It is always possible to make it happen if you really, really want to…

So for now, I will let the questions just be questions and will close my very tired eyes, and rest my very tired shoulders for a while. Oh god, I have always loved nights!

Soulful Musings

An emotional roller-coaster: Germany VS Brasil

Watching the Brazil VS Germany semi-final today was quite an entertaining, but emotional roller coaster ride for me. As someone who’s been following the German’s stupendous, unbeaten performance this world cup; I was rooting for them. In fact, my gut feeling’s been in favour of Germany since quite some time now. So much so that the France VS Germany game gave rise to some turmoils within me.

It was a matter of Head vs Heart, the heart wishing for France to proceed but the head (and the gut) clearly signalling that the Germans will be the one to go ahead. With France out of the picture (sadly), my focus and loyalties shifted to Germany and I am actually rooting for them to win the Finals.

Yet, watching the horrifying defeat of Brazil was not in the least bit something which made me happy. With first goal came joy and excitement, maybe the same with the second one. And, just like that within 6 mins itself Germany had 4 goals to boast of! At this point, I started empathising with Brazil more than being happy for the team that I was supporting.

And, it was pretty clear that Germany had won. But the expressions on the team members of the Brazilian team are going to haunt me for a while. David Luiz, Oscar… these guys, especially, occupy a soft corner in my heart. Probably because I’ve been following them since quite sometime and like them as the people they seem to be. Specially, Luiz. My heart went out for them.

Times like these make me realise how everything can change for everyone within a matter of a couple of mins, or seconds even. Whether you’re a National Level Football star, or a hardworking citizen of a country… stuff can really change within a matter of mins. One game. One exam. One job. One incident.

It’s scary.

Maybe, I tend to empathise more under such circumstances because I know what it is like to fall down. And, how terrible it is… to be mocked at by others, while inherently punishing yourself from within. I’m familiar with the disbelief that circumstances bring with them. Days, years, weeks of planning, preparation and just one ‘decisive moment’ (or a game in this case) and you’re practically written off. Forget the “what others think/say” factor, the turmoil within is enough to burn you.

Sure, as a sportsperson one learns to deal with these things. As a human, in fact, one should be prepared to handle downfalls like this. But the truth is, it always hurts. No matter how much preparation you’ve had for it. And, it’s natural. There are somethings which you cannot really be prepared for. Ever.

As for the “fans” booing the players on the field, practically fighting a lost battle, feeling tremendous amounts of unimaginable pressure… pressure that many of these “fans” if subjected to wouldn’t be able to take… let alone, stand sane on their feets and run around chasing a ball after such a mental setback. You are not true fans. The Brazilian team losing their star players (Neymar & Silva) sucked. Their defeat was horrifying, specially being the host country. But your booing was the worst of all. Shame!

A fan/a supporter is a person who sticks with their team/idol through thick and thin. At least on the outside one puts up a united, strong front.

I don’t know if anyone else feels these things. But personally, for me… seeing a world where there is such shallowness, lack of empathy and loss of humanly quality is just painful. What I can hope is that there are others who think this way as well, people who are keeping their humanly side more evolved and alive in this world which is forgetting what really matters.

And, here’s a HUGE SHOUTOUT to the Brazilian Team.
Shit happens. It’s alright. Power to you.

A person who was supporting the Germans.

Soulful Musings

O’ B(oy)! A lazy, lovely afternoon.

Source: Google Images Actor/Model: Osman Khalid Butt

Lying on her bed in the middle of the day, she thought about the outlines of his beautiful face. Her fingers lingering lazily at every point, as she traced those soft lines, deeply filling with marvel and love with increasing intensity. 

How can someone be so beautiful inside out? 

He had just the right mix of utterly innocent beauty in his outward appearance, completely in sync with what was within, along with a naughty glint in his eyes each time he smiled. Oh, that marvellous smile could fill an entire room with the glistening light of his soul! Sometimes, he made her wonder though, if there was something that was carefully concealed beneath it all? A longing? Some sadness which threatened to break his heart? For she’d heard him call himself ‘Marvin’ from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series, a very insightful comedy writer with traces of severe depression within. And then again, he’d said himself that his poetry is where he lets himself loose and unleashes his other side, a complete contrast to the fun loving, chocolate boy demeanour that he usually had. 

And so she’d tried to read, whatever she could lay her hands on. She’d tried to read, carefully between the lines. 

Maybe he isn’t depressed, she thought to herself. Maybe, he’s just known pain a little too well. Clichéd as it maybe; maybe that’s what draws him to humour so much. For it takes tears to ascertain the real value of laughter, to see someone laugh or to make people laugh. Maybe, he IS this happy, fun loving person with a deep heart, which harbours within itself many secrets of utter wisdom. She was wise enough to know that a woman or a man could be more than just one (kind of) person. But just the thought of him suffering in any way whatsoever was deeply disturbing to her. If she could, she would take it all away from him. Or just… lessen its intensity to a comfortable degree. 

So, she quickly shrugged this thought and stared ahead at his serene form and closed eyes. 

How lucky was she to have gotten the chance to know him! Nothing short of a magical discovery, she thought. People fascinated her; their thoughts, beliefs, behaviour… But she had always known how rare it was to come across a person as earnest as him. A gorgeous artist, who’d immediately struck a chord in her heart with his very first performance that she had chanced on witnessing. The impact had left her curious enough to want to know more about him. 

It wasn’t really all that hard to know a little bit more about him in the times of the internet. But reading his own words made all the difference than just reading about him via just another source. 

She had always had a fascination with words. She always thought that an individual’s words were inherently soaked with his essence. And, she loved what she saw, what she read. That was the draw really. How he wrote about himself and his work on the social media. The topics he joked about and how he did so. His banter with friends, his replies to trolls, how he dealt with haters! And, those comical vlogs he had on YouTube. Some of which ever so subtly contained a message of change within them. In their own way, talking about the modernisation which needs to be brought within the society. A sarcastic take on the regressive thoughts and practices of his community. So unabashed, so forthcoming. She was amazed. 

And, that’s how she’d found herself falling in love- a little bit with his words & poetry; a little bit with his art; and a whole lot with him!