Diaries: Echoes of my soul

Memories that bleed…

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Funny (or is it?) how there are things that we want to move on from, how there are memories we want to forget, feelings we don’t want to ever encounter again…

We push them somewhere back into our heads and hearts. Somehow always knowing that they are not going anywhere…

We consciously make a choice every moment to not to relive them. But it can take one vulnerable moment to go back swimming in the depths of their existence, like it was just yesterday…

And, it’s quite amazing how, if we let ourselves we can remember everything with such powerful rawness, as if the wounds never healed. That infact, they are very much still bleeding, and creating a puddle of crimson in which we are sitting… right now. Right in this moment.

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Soulful Musings

An emotional roller-coaster: Germany VS Brasil

Watching the Brazil VS Germany semi-final today was quite an entertaining, but emotional roller coaster ride for me. As someone who’s been following the German’s stupendous, unbeaten performance this world cup; I was rooting for them. In fact, my gut feeling’s been in favour of Germany since quite some time now. So much so that the France VS Germany game gave rise to some turmoils within me.

It was a matter of Head vs Heart, the heart wishing for France to proceed but the head (and the gut) clearly signalling that the Germans will be the one to go ahead. With France out of the picture (sadly), my focus and loyalties shifted to Germany and I am actually rooting for them to win the Finals.

Yet, watching the horrifying defeat of Brazil was not in the least bit something which made me happy. With first goal came joy and excitement, maybe the same with the second one. And, just like that within 6 mins itself Germany had 4 goals to boast of! At this point, I started empathising with Brazil more than being happy for the team that I was supporting.

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And, it was pretty clear that Germany had won. But the expressions on the team members of the Brazilian team are going to haunt me for a while. David Luiz, Oscar… these guys, especially, occupy a soft corner in my heart. Probably because I’ve been following them since quite sometime and like them as the people they seem to be. Specially, Luiz. My heart went out for them.

Times like these make me realise how everything can change for everyone within a matter of a couple of mins, or seconds even. Whether you’re a National Level Football star, or a hardworking citizen of a country… stuff can really change within a matter of mins. One game. One exam. One job. One incident.

It’s scary.

Maybe, I tend to empathise more under such circumstances because I know what it is like to fall down. And, how terrible it is… to be mocked at by others, while inherently punishing yourself from within. I’m familiar with the disbelief that circumstances bring with them. Days, years, weeks of planning, preparation and just one ‘decisive moment’ (or a game in this case) and you’re practically written off. Forget the “what others think/say” factor, the turmoil within is enough to burn you.

Sure, as a sportsperson one learns to deal with these things. As a human, in fact, one should be prepared to handle downfalls like this. But the truth is, it always hurts. No matter how much preparation you’ve had for it. And, it’s natural. There are somethings which you cannot really be prepared for. Ever.

As for the “fans” booing the players on the field, practically fighting a lost battle, feeling tremendous amounts of unimaginable pressure… pressure that many of these “fans” if subjected to wouldn’t be able to take… let alone, stand sane on their feets and run around chasing a ball after such a mental setback. You are not true fans. The Brazilian team losing their star players (Neymar & Silva) sucked. Their defeat was horrifying, specially being the host country. But your booing was the worst of all. Shame!

A fan/a supporter is a person who sticks with their team/idol through thick and thin. At least on the outside one puts up a united, strong front.

I don’t know if anyone else feels these things. But personally, for me… seeing a world where there is such shallowness, lack of empathy and loss of humanly quality is just painful. What I can hope is that there are others who think this way as well, people who are keeping their humanly side more evolved and alive in this world which is forgetting what really matters.

And, here’s a HUGE SHOUTOUT to the Brazilian Team.
Shit happens. It’s alright. Power to you.

Love,
A person who was supporting the Germans.

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Poems

You & me, cannot be!

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I’m lying here wide awake at 3
Feeling these things intensely-
Oh, how my heart longs
For thee!

I find myself stretching my hands
Out, in front of me-
An attempt to find yours in the air
Yes, that’s my fantasy.

I’m trying to rationalise
Yet there isn’t any respite
My whole body, & my soul
Need for you to be around me.

And then, I tell myself
It’s for the very best
For both- you & me.

Must not reach out
Must stick to my ground,
Continue to exist distantly…
There cannot be a you & me.

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection

How I know that I love you

They say that love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you*.

And, if it is true then I love you.

I haven’t really had a fairytale life. Yes, I realize that I have much to thank for- food, shelter, healthy functioning mind and body, parents willing to spend on my education, safety etc. But I, like everyone else have struggled. My heart is deeply bruised, my soul has scars and in turn my mind has been affected too, it suffers. All my life, ever since I remember I used to wish for someone to care for me- as an individual. You know that concern when you just want for someone to be happy, when you want to see them smile, when you wish to take away all of their sorrows… Basically, when you feel for someone instead of your imaginary image of them. You actually want for them to be happy instead of your idea of what might give them happiness. When you’d have their back not because it is the right thing to do (given your equation with them) but because it stems from somewhere deep within.

I’ve felt that way for people. I’ve felt that way for my friends. My friends, who were my family… Until I discovered that they just didn’t care/feel the same way and I was on my own.

There are scientific models, which go on to show that a human has some basic needs and they are more than just food, water, shelter, security, and social recognition. We’re humans and we want love and affection of other humans. And, I know that I definitely do.

After having felt the knife in my back from people who are supposed to be biologically inclined to love you, and then friends followed by the one who swore to never leave my side but did out of reasons of mostly just ego and selfishness. Or maybe it simply was no longer convenient for them to love me? I really needed someone who cared about me for being me. And then, I met you.

Sure, there were moments where you treated me better than I have been treated in my life, simply because I have been treated badly- a lot. But then, I knew from the beginning that I meant nothing to you. A random passerby in the journey of your life. Sure. But nothing more than that.

I’d known; and that hurt for some odd reason.

It started out as just wanting to spend some more time with you, wishing we could be ‘friends’ in the real sense. More than just ‘once known acquaintances’. While being aware all the time that even that was too much to ask for.

When life put forth the first goodbye, I cried, it hurt but I accepted it. I thought that this was it. And, I’d always seen it coming. But apparently it was not. I’d thought that we’d just become one of those friends who just remain on your Facebook friend list. But life had other plans. We happened to cross paths again and there was again yet another occasion, which seemed like goodbye.

But apparently, it wasn’t.

And, here I am… at that point, all over again.
(I can’t tell you how much it hurts.)

Like the mature person that I am supposed to be, someone who has handled tough stuff and tough love over and over again in life, controlled her emotions, steeled her heart and found the courage somehow to move on despite parts of her getting gravely bruised each time… I have done all of that. But there’s only so much that my heart can take.

Some things needn’t have to be experienced. Or once is enough. But going through this loss over and over again is a brutal experience.

I found this quote which beautifully puts into words the predicament:

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Honestly, I’m hurting. I’m hurting a lot and sometimes I am just angry, so angry at the cosmos. I’ve questioned god. I’ve tried to change my perception of life to that of being nihilistic. I have been afraid. I am afraid, because this is so consuming.

Especially, after everything!
Especially, at this point in my life.

But despite the agony and despair, one look at that picture of yours, smiling so earnestly that I can almost hear your laughter by just looking at it, I smile. I smile because that one smile, that picture of one really happy face makes me forget my own heartaches.

And, that’s how I know that I love you.
Even though I am struggling- really, truly, deeply and suffering, as I do.
As a friend, well-wisher… call it what you may.
But I do.

 

*Wayne Dyer

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