Introspection, Poems

To be (w)hole

There’s a gaping hole
In my soul.
I no longer merely want to
decorate my house. But
create a home. With
not just things but someone I love.
And, who loves me back. In a way
that fills the cracks in my heart.
There’s no agony.
No more pain.
No reminders of
the bruises of the past.

Diaries: Echoes of my soul

Memories that bleed…


Funny (or is it?) how there are things that we want to move on from, how there are memories we want to forget, feelings we don’t want to ever encounter again…

We push them somewhere back into our heads and hearts. Somehow always knowing that they are not going anywhere…

We consciously make a choice every moment to not to relive them. But it can take one vulnerable moment to go back swimming in the depths of their existence, like it was just yesterday…

And, it’s quite amazing how, if we let ourselves we can remember everything with such powerful rawness, as if the wounds never healed. That infact, they are very much still bleeding, and creating a puddle of crimson in which we are sitting… right now. Right in this moment.

Soulful Musings

An emotional roller-coaster: Germany VS Brasil

Watching the Brazil VS Germany semi-final today was quite an entertaining, but emotional roller coaster ride for me. As someone who’s been following the German’s stupendous, unbeaten performance this world cup; I was rooting for them. In fact, my gut feeling’s been in favour of Germany since quite some time now. So much so that the France VS Germany game gave rise to some turmoils within me.

It was a matter of Head vs Heart, the heart wishing for France to proceed but the head (and the gut) clearly signalling that the Germans will be the one to go ahead. With France out of the picture (sadly), my focus and loyalties shifted to Germany and I am actually rooting for them to win the Finals.

Yet, watching the horrifying defeat of Brazil was not in the least bit something which made me happy. With first goal came joy and excitement, maybe the same with the second one. And, just like that within 6 mins itself Germany had 4 goals to boast of! At this point, I started empathising with Brazil more than being happy for the team that I was supporting.

And, it was pretty clear that Germany had won. But the expressions on the team members of the Brazilian team are going to haunt me for a while. David Luiz, Oscar… these guys, especially, occupy a soft corner in my heart. Probably because I’ve been following them since quite sometime and like them as the people they seem to be. Specially, Luiz. My heart went out for them.

Times like these make me realise how everything can change for everyone within a matter of a couple of mins, or seconds even. Whether you’re a National Level Football star, or a hardworking citizen of a country… stuff can really change within a matter of mins. One game. One exam. One job. One incident.

It’s scary.

Maybe, I tend to empathise more under such circumstances because I know what it is like to fall down. And, how terrible it is… to be mocked at by others, while inherently punishing yourself from within. I’m familiar with the disbelief that circumstances bring with them. Days, years, weeks of planning, preparation and just one ‘decisive moment’ (or a game in this case) and you’re practically written off. Forget the “what others think/say” factor, the turmoil within is enough to burn you.

Sure, as a sportsperson one learns to deal with these things. As a human, in fact, one should be prepared to handle downfalls like this. But the truth is, it always hurts. No matter how much preparation you’ve had for it. And, it’s natural. There are somethings which you cannot really be prepared for. Ever.

As for the “fans” booing the players on the field, practically fighting a lost battle, feeling tremendous amounts of unimaginable pressure… pressure that many of these “fans” if subjected to wouldn’t be able to take… let alone, stand sane on their feets and run around chasing a ball after such a mental setback. You are not true fans. The Brazilian team losing their star players (Neymar & Silva) sucked. Their defeat was horrifying, specially being the host country. But your booing was the worst of all. Shame!

A fan/a supporter is a person who sticks with their team/idol through thick and thin. At least on the outside one puts up a united, strong front.

I don’t know if anyone else feels these things. But personally, for me… seeing a world where there is such shallowness, lack of empathy and loss of humanly quality is just painful. What I can hope is that there are others who think this way as well, people who are keeping their humanly side more evolved and alive in this world which is forgetting what really matters.

And, here’s a HUGE SHOUTOUT to the Brazilian Team.
Shit happens. It’s alright. Power to you.

A person who was supporting the Germans.


You & me, cannot be!


I’m lying here wide awake at 3
Feeling these things intensely-
Oh, how my heart longs
For thee!

I find myself stretching my hands
Out, in front of me-
An attempt to find yours in the air
Yes, that’s my fantasy.

I’m trying to rationalise
Yet there isn’t any respite
My whole body, & my soul
Need for you to be around me.

And then, I tell myself
It’s for the very best
For both- you & me.

Must not reach out
Must stick to my ground,
Continue to exist distantly…
There cannot be a you & me.