Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

Weird, Surreal Drifting


It has been a while since I last made an entry into the blog. Trust me, I tried not once but a couple of times, to sit down in front of the laptop to type. Whenever I managed to sneak in some time between unending readings and assignments. But each time, I failed to type something coherent. Up until this moment, it has usually been staring at the screen… typing something and deleting it… thinking, staring some more and then finally giving up and doing some other task/chore that needs to be done.

I have to say that from the first time that I sat down to write to you guys, which was the very first day I reached, even before unpacking my stuff; just the moment after I spread the bed sheet and sat on my bed in my room here… everything has changed. Everything has been fast… everything is too fast, I think for me to absorb and take in. New developments, new realisations, new people/ rather a new special person… Yet the acute awareness of  some deep seated issues and presence of the scars of old wounds which have probably made a deeper incision than I had originally estimated (and, trust me… I hadn’t underestimated it).

There are some fears which don’t go away, some are so intensified that my mind has actually blocked everything associated with them. And, in turn caused me to be in a weird sort of numbness and daze. Like some sort of hypnosis… a sense of detached reality.
Perhaps, a ploy played by my mind in a bid to protect the heart and its own self from any kind of setbacks that it can’t take. Or just some subconscious trick to cope… and heal from the wounds of the past… which still reek of fresh blood and oozes from time to time.

This piece has been lying in my drafts since 2 years now. October 27, 2014. So, I thought it must be published before I go on to writing something new and hopefully, finally revive my blog.

I think that writing (even reading) requires for you to be in a certain kind of headspace. And, in my opinion it is a good kind of headspace to be in. But more importantly it requires a certain sort of momentum and inspiration. Which may not always be possible to merely call upon yourself.

I feel, that I am finally there. How and why? We will find out it my next blog post. Which will hopefully be just a start to many more to follow. This time, without interruptions. #lifestylechange



Music, Movies & TV, Soulful Musings

Moving On


At some point in our lives, we all have been forced to move on from something, someone or someplace. It is a passage of rite that we all must go through in some from or the other, with varying degrees of intensity in our lives. Yet, one hears/reads of some story every now and then that leaves one awestruck. Or simply in a state of wonder…

Have you ever found yourself lost in deep thought, thinking how did he/she do it? Maybe it seems something impossible to you, maybe it triggers the emotion of fear within you… because while the act of ‘carrying on’, you realise is necessary and admirable. It also highlights the underlying pain, struggle and loss faced by the person. And most importantly, the realisation of the fact that everything cannot be explained or understood. Everything cannot be put into words, no matter how hard we try; and even then… something always gets lost in translation. For there are things in life which need to be experienced and lived through by oneself to really get acquainted with them. There’s always something more to be felt, experienced, understood and explored. Always. And, that is the abundance of this mystery called life.

As a person who’s moving on from something which formed a gigantic part of my life, a person who’s trying to move on to something new, I can tell you this- It doesn’t happen in one day. It is, in fact, an everyday process.

There’s a wise exchange between the pivotal characters in the movie Rabit Hole which describes it pretty well:

Becca: Does it ever go away?

Nat: No, I don’t think it does. Not for me, it hasn’t – has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.

Becca: How?

Nat: I don’t know… the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and… carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you… you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and – there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful – not all the time. It’s kinda…

[deep breath]

Nat: not that you’d like it exactly, but it’s what you’ve got instead of your <whatever you have lost/ what you had to let go off>. So, you carry it around. And uh… it doesn’t go away. Which is…

Becca: Which is what?

Nat: Fine, actually.

Somedays, you’d find yourself reminiscing about happy memories and instances from the past, even if it was something unpleasant and hurtful, say, a bad relationship. Somedays, you’d find yourself getting flashbacks of what was wrong… reminding you how you had to do what you did, and how you did the right thing by leaving it all behind. And somedays, you’d find yourself in the shackles of misplaced guilt. Specially, if you’re a person (like me) who is his/her own worst critic.

But you know, what’d be most important? The most important part would be when you’ll have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on walking ahead. No matter how tempting it’d be on somedays, the desire to look back. And, the only time you would; it would be to see how far you’ve come. And, that… in itself would become the source of strength which you’d need to draw from… every. single. day.

If you’re lucky, you’ll have a friendly face around you and supportive hands on your shoulders. But if you aren’t so lucky on that front, stay strong. Remember that someone somewhere is out there, just like you and hence, you are never really alone.


Introspection, Soulful Musings

Awake at night

I’ve slept the whole day. It’s been long that I haven’t slept during the night. It’s become a cycle. And, I’m fine with it.

Sometimes I feel that I like the night more, the darkness is soothing as compared to the hard light of daytime. Sometimes I feel that at night things aren’t so real, the problems not as in your face. Maybe it is because you know that you’re awake alone. And, everyone else is busy sleeping. Busy in their own worlds, away from your reality.

Maybe on some level this feels like a synch between how you feel in this world, all the time. Alone. Disconnected. And, hence it is satisfying. There’s not as much pretense that you need to put up. No masks, just you in your raw form, feeling what you feel, introspecting, letting the pain and other feelings wash over you. Talking to yourself, saying the things you really want to say but you aren’t able to say because of the way this world is, your world is.

And, even though you know that this ritual must come to an end at some point. When you need to go back to studying, when you need to go back to work, when you need to go back to facing the real world in broad daylight…

For now, you’ve made peace with it.

Introspection, Music, Movies & TV, Soulful Musings



I just finished watching this movie called “Disconnect”. It’s basically supposed to be a thriller dwelling on the negative side of the modern mode of communication aka worldwide web. But it ends up saying much more than that.

It highlights how even in the internet age, where communication is supposed to be so much easier than the previous decades; where there is so much to facilitate conversations, and keeping in touch with our near and dear ones is just as simple as clicking a button! We are in fact, drifting apart.

We are drifting away from the people who mean the most to us, and we are drifting away from our own selves. We are losing touch with what’s important and the basic humanitarian character.

We are so lost in the other aspects of life like work, leisure, fame, entertainment, group-ism, peer pressure etc. that we forget to stop to take a good look at who we are becoming and what truly matters, rather who truly matters! And, by the time some of us realize it, it’s already too late.

Try as we might to deny our basic instincts… pretend to not need any connection, immerse ourselves in meaningless relationships and friendships, try to drown out our heart’s desire by indulging in instantly gratifying materialistic things… sooner or later we are bound to realize that we need more. We need more and we deserve better than to be around a bunch of pricks who use us only as a past time activity to fool around when there’s nothing else on their list.

Christopher McCandless rightly said, not to forget that he learnt it the very hard way too that “Happiness only real when shared”. And take it from someone who was once at the top of her game at 22- good job, nice pay, choice of accommodation in the city of her dreams, after having passed out from college at the top of her class. Life had only started to sort itself out after having worked SO SO hard at it, and then it all just went away… Not that I had previously ever doubted it for even one second, but those moments reaffirmed this fact like a hot knife through my heart.

So, those of you… who are lucky to have someone who gives a sh*t and makes an effort to connect. That person whom you’ve been ignoring because you’ve been SO busy staring at the TV or roaming around with people who you know would really never care in times of need… trust me when I say this, if you don’t respect what you’ve got now it’s going to come back and bite you hard. And you won’t know what hit you. Sooner or later, it’s bound to happen.

And, those of you who are this other person, who’s made this huge effort with everyone- loved and cared sincerely- and you still find yourself not getting what you deserve in return, hang in there! You’re not alone. Yes, you will have times when you’ll be tempted to settle for less, to remain friends with these passive leeches and/or in stolid relationships. You will feel that this is your destiny and maybe you’re the one doing something wrong. STOP RIGHT THERE. If nothing else, then we’re all in this together. Remember that you’re making a choice- the right choice. And it’s never easy. But you must not turn into one of them! Because that would invalidate everything else! Stay strong.


“You deserve the chance to be really happy, and to invite someone to share a life you have created. You don’t want to settle because you’re afraid of looking yourself in the mirror, or sitting alone at a dinner table. You deserve the happiness that comes with waiting for the right people in your life, to lose yourself in the beauty and discovery of it, and not feel like you’re forcing things to happen.”


Music, Movies & TV

A Magnificent Tale of Two!


I just finished watching Before Midnight. The final chapter of the epic trilogy which previously comprised of Before Sunrise and Before Sunset.

It’s like I was already expecting something magical if any of the previous two movies were to go by. And were my expectations met? Was I satisfied? Absolutely, yes!

Smooth, free flowing narration, soulful content, epic observation of human interaction and traits captured in a beautiful frame. Not to mention the brilliant performances by the cast as usual.

It is one of those moments happening to me right now, when having completed a movie/book/story you feel that you have been touched by it in some way; that your life is different now, in some plausible, magnificent way but you can’t really pin point at one thing. It feels like the end of a stupendous era, a beautiful journey… and I must say that I feel that there couldn’t have been a more befitting, beautiful ending than what the creators gave this wonderful, heartfelt tale of two!

The very fact that this piece of art has made me feel like the way I have described above, and inspired me so much that I was compelled to type this down speaks volumes by itself! For isn’t this what art is supposed to do? No compliment is bigger to a creator or an artist than his work inspiring another individual, touching their lives and moving them in some profound manner by speaking to them.

At this moment, my entire being seems to have been injected with life, my train of thought way more coherent and steady, even free from the cumbersome thoughts of the ‘real life problems’ plaguing my true inner self. At this moment I believe that I can still flourish and persist.

If you’re a writer, a thinker, a musician, an artist, an observer… If you are someone who loves meaningful conversations, humanity and life in general I urge you to take a little time out of your tedious life and sit back to enjoy this soulful, intellectual and just blatantly honest rendition of life! One movie at a time, in your own sweet time and I promise that you won’t regret it but in fact, thank yourself for investing time in something so fruitful and so amazing! I sure feel I so, and more…