Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

Writing- From A Place Of Pain.

Definitely not deliberately, but some of my best writing has found its roots in some kind of pain or angst. And as it might be evident, the majority of poetry in this very blog was written when my heart was totally shattered. I wonder why this happens?

It’s not that I have not found words in the moments of joy and love. In fact, I really developed as a writer, penning down some of my most emotional and coherent prose, full of soul and passion during that time of my life. Even noticeably impacting my academics (language subjects) rather positively. But that has been a very long time ago. I wonder why, again…

I must admit that I have always admired people who’ve take one form of negativity and channelized into something brilliant. Mostly, I have noticed these are artists and creators of one kind or an other. Videos, Poems, Art… Oh, how I wish sometimes when words evade me, specially in moments of torment that I could just take a pencil and/or some colours and create something beautiful on a piece of paper. Something sans words, yet something very telling of the state within. But alas, I’m not an artist of that sort. Yet.

This word ‘yet’ has a new found place in the dictionary of my life. Because, clichés like never-say-never have becomes words that truly resonate with me now. Besides, for the most part and when it comes to most (positive things) like learning, experiencing or trying something… It’s never too late I suppose. It is always possible to make it happen if you really, really want to…

So for now, I will let the questions just be questions and will close my very tired eyes, and rest my very tired shoulders for a while. Oh god, I have always loved nights!

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Soulful Musings

O’ B(oy)! A lazy, lovely afternoon.

Source: Google Images Actor/Model: Osman Khalid Butt

Lying on her bed in the middle of the day, she thought about the outlines of his beautiful face. Her fingers lingering lazily at every point, as she traced those soft lines, deeply filling with marvel and love with increasing intensity. 

How can someone be so beautiful inside out? 

He had just the right mix of utterly innocent beauty in his outward appearance, completely in sync with what was within, along with a naughty glint in his eyes each time he smiled. Oh, that marvellous smile could fill an entire room with the glistening light of his soul! Sometimes, he made her wonder though, if there was something that was carefully concealed beneath it all? A longing? Some sadness which threatened to break his heart? For she’d heard him call himself ‘Marvin’ from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series, a very insightful comedy writer with traces of severe depression within. And then again, he’d said himself that his poetry is where he lets himself loose and unleashes his other side, a complete contrast to the fun loving, chocolate boy demeanour that he usually had. 

And so she’d tried to read, whatever she could lay her hands on. She’d tried to read, carefully between the lines. 

Maybe he isn’t depressed, she thought to herself. Maybe, he’s just known pain a little too well. Clichéd as it maybe; maybe that’s what draws him to humour so much. For it takes tears to ascertain the real value of laughter, to see someone laugh or to make people laugh. Maybe, he IS this happy, fun loving person with a deep heart, which harbours within itself many secrets of utter wisdom. She was wise enough to know that a woman or a man could be more than just one (kind of) person. But just the thought of him suffering in any way whatsoever was deeply disturbing to her. If she could, she would take it all away from him. Or just… lessen its intensity to a comfortable degree. 

So, she quickly shrugged this thought and stared ahead at his serene form and closed eyes. 

How lucky was she to have gotten the chance to know him! Nothing short of a magical discovery, she thought. People fascinated her; their thoughts, beliefs, behaviour… But she had always known how rare it was to come across a person as earnest as him. A gorgeous artist, who’d immediately struck a chord in her heart with his very first performance that she had chanced on witnessing. The impact had left her curious enough to want to know more about him. 

It wasn’t really all that hard to know a little bit more about him in the times of the internet. But reading his own words made all the difference than just reading about him via just another source. 

She had always had a fascination with words. She always thought that an individual’s words were inherently soaked with his essence. And, she loved what she saw, what she read. That was the draw really. How he wrote about himself and his work on the social media. The topics he joked about and how he did so. His banter with friends, his replies to trolls, how he dealt with haters! And, those comical vlogs he had on YouTube. Some of which ever so subtly contained a message of change within them. In their own way, talking about the modernisation which needs to be brought within the society. A sarcastic take on the regressive thoughts and practices of his community. So unabashed, so forthcoming. She was amazed. 

And, that’s how she’d found herself falling in love- a little bit with his words & poetry; a little bit with his art; and a whole lot with him!

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Poems

God’s will: It’s up to him.

I see myself praying for the end
Way more than I pray for rescue
It’s made me question myself
If that’s really what I want this to lead to.

I find the answer in negative
I want to live, I want to grow
But the fear of a life sans dignity
Isn’t the life I’d want to know.

So, it’s up to him to reward me
And to lead my struggles to gold.
Or to save me from what lies ahead
If it’s a life of pain,
And unknown blows.

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Introspection, Soulful Musings

Stop postponing your life!

I found these “thoughts”  as a draft in my WordPress mobile app; typed during a particularly reflective downtime of life, not so long ago.

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I don’t know how and when did I become the way I am now. I’m caught between the memory of who I was and the aspiration of who I want to be.

I have dedicated most of my life to creating a better tomorrow (for myself). In turn, I’ve only realised that I have wasted precious time.

Time… which is gone forever. Time which will never come back.

Time which I have spent in agony. Time which I have spent trying to get a shot at happiness in the future, instead of being happy now. A time full of unending misery and pain…

I’ve realised that we’ve all been brainwashed to delay our lives just for the life that we might get to live in the future. But our life is what is happening to us NOW, in the present moment! It is not something which is stocked/hidden in the future. A future which no one can guarantee.

I am not saying that one shouldn’t work for a better tomorrow, that one shouldn’t invest in their future. What I’m trying to say is that one shouldn’t ignore their present. Because no one can return you the time that you’ve lost.

Life is not a drama or a movie which is divided in two halves- the struggle and the happiness. It is, at all times a mixture of highs and lows. Do not think that by suffering intensely today you are buying yourself only joy in the future. Do not think that people who don’t value you and belittle you today will magically stop doing so, on their own. Do not think that you do not deserve to be happy TODAY.

Just as you cannot go without eating food for a month, in order to save money to binge in the next one. You cannot keep living unhappily in long stretches. You need to balance it out. Else, a burnout is inevitable.

Remember: “Balance.”
Balance is the key to everything.

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