Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection

Learning, Unlearning, Relearning

learn, unlearn, relearn

I’ve been very busy since the past 3 years.

I landed in Ireland on 1st September 2014. And, ever since then I have worked to not just survive but to create a sustainable life for myself.

It’s not that I haven’t had the privileged opportunity of taking some down time; from free weekends where I no longer had academic obligations to fulfill, to free weekends where I had no obligations whatsoever (not even heartache!) besides thinking about whatever I really wanted to think about- the next steps that need to be taken on an individual level to create the life that I want to lead- personally and professionally. If I had tough days at work, I had a weekend to look forward to recuperate and get ready to face the battles again. It hasn’t been easy. But it has been better. No denying that.

Some things are working out, some efforts have started to show the results of persisting but somethings aren’t working out so well despite soul crushing efforts. Mostly on a more personal front- for we can choose to love and trust people but can’t exactly control their actions in return.

In some ways, I have found my way and in fact, created paths for myself. But in some ways, I have gotten lost…
In ways I thought I never would. But I am trying to figure it all out. Again.

In ways I’m finally approaching (hopefully) a place in my life where I’m going to be able to address some basic human needs better. Finally, enabling me to focus on myself- no excuses left.

It will be challenging but I’m looking forward to it.

I guess, sometimes we take risks, leaps of faith that test our courage. We open up to living life with new perspectives, only to realise that our old ways were probably gold.

I suppose, in such circumstances, it is important to remember the strength of our character and grit for not just trying but in fact, opening up to a whole new world outside our comfort zones. Not something many are capable of. At all.

So what if it didn’t work out? It only made us realise the truth in our inherent values, and gave us a conviction to trust them even more based on evidence and not merely a blind belief system.

I suppose this learning, unlearning and relearning will eventually help us to reach a place where in addition to not being judgemental ourselves, we will also able to deal better with those who are (judgemental) without letting it bother us too much.

It’ll no longer make us angry when someone offers unsolicited advice that assumes a lot of things. But simply enable us to smile and acknowledge that they are at a different stage in their journey.

It’ll be easier to rise above or simply, to forgive.

Amen.

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Introspection, Poems

To be (w)hole

There’s a gaping hole
In my soul.
I no longer merely want to
decorate my house. But
create a home. With
not just things but someone I love.
And, who loves me back. In a way
that fills the cracks in my heart.
There’s no agony.
No more pain.
No reminders of
the bruises of the past.

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection, Soulful Musings

Writing- From A Place Of Pain.

Definitely not deliberately, but some of my best writing has found its roots in some kind of pain or angst. And as it might be evident, the majority of poetry in this very blog was written when my heart was totally shattered. I wonder why this happens?

It’s not that I have not found words in the moments of joy and love. In fact, I really developed as a writer, penning down some of my most emotional and coherent prose, full of soul and passion during that time of my life. Even noticeably impacting my academics (language subjects) rather positively. But that has been a very long time ago. I wonder why, again…

I must admit that I have always admired people who’ve take one form of negativity and channelized into something brilliant. Mostly, I have noticed these are artists and creators of one kind or an other. Videos, Poems, Art… Oh, how I wish sometimes when words evade me, specially in moments of torment that I could just take a pencil and/or some colours and create something beautiful on a piece of paper. Something sans words, yet something very telling of the state within. But alas, I’m not an artist of that sort. Yet.

This word ‘yet’ has a new found place in the dictionary of my life. Because, clichés like never-say-never have becomes words that truly resonate with me now. Besides, for the most part and when it comes to most (positive things) like learning, experiencing or trying something… It’s never too late I suppose. It is always possible to make it happen if you really, really want to…

So for now, I will let the questions just be questions and will close my very tired eyes, and rest my very tired shoulders for a while. Oh god, I have always loved nights!

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Soulful Musings

O’ B(oy)! A lazy, lovely afternoon.

Source: Google Images Actor/Model: Osman Khalid Butt

Lying on her bed in the middle of the day, she thought about the outlines of his beautiful face. Her fingers lingering lazily at every point, as she traced those soft lines, deeply filling with marvel and love with increasing intensity. 

How can someone be so beautiful inside out? 

He had just the right mix of utterly innocent beauty in his outward appearance, completely in sync with what was within, along with a naughty glint in his eyes each time he smiled. Oh, that marvellous smile could fill an entire room with the glistening light of his soul! Sometimes, he made her wonder though, if there was something that was carefully concealed beneath it all? A longing? Some sadness which threatened to break his heart? For she’d heard him call himself ‘Marvin’ from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series, a very insightful comedy writer with traces of severe depression within. And then again, he’d said himself that his poetry is where he lets himself loose and unleashes his other side, a complete contrast to the fun loving, chocolate boy demeanour that he usually had. 

And so she’d tried to read, whatever she could lay her hands on. She’d tried to read, carefully between the lines. 

Maybe he isn’t depressed, she thought to herself. Maybe, he’s just known pain a little too well. Clichéd as it maybe; maybe that’s what draws him to humour so much. For it takes tears to ascertain the real value of laughter, to see someone laugh or to make people laugh. Maybe, he IS this happy, fun loving person with a deep heart, which harbours within itself many secrets of utter wisdom. She was wise enough to know that a woman or a man could be more than just one (kind of) person. But just the thought of him suffering in any way whatsoever was deeply disturbing to her. If she could, she would take it all away from him. Or just… lessen its intensity to a comfortable degree. 

So, she quickly shrugged this thought and stared ahead at his serene form and closed eyes. 

How lucky was she to have gotten the chance to know him! Nothing short of a magical discovery, she thought. People fascinated her; their thoughts, beliefs, behaviour… But she had always known how rare it was to come across a person as earnest as him. A gorgeous artist, who’d immediately struck a chord in her heart with his very first performance that she had chanced on witnessing. The impact had left her curious enough to want to know more about him. 

It wasn’t really all that hard to know a little bit more about him in the times of the internet. But reading his own words made all the difference than just reading about him via just another source. 

She had always had a fascination with words. She always thought that an individual’s words were inherently soaked with his essence. And, she loved what she saw, what she read. That was the draw really. How he wrote about himself and his work on the social media. The topics he joked about and how he did so. His banter with friends, his replies to trolls, how he dealt with haters! And, those comical vlogs he had on YouTube. Some of which ever so subtly contained a message of change within them. In their own way, talking about the modernisation which needs to be brought within the society. A sarcastic take on the regressive thoughts and practices of his community. So unabashed, so forthcoming. She was amazed. 

And, that’s how she’d found herself falling in love- a little bit with his words & poetry; a little bit with his art; and a whole lot with him!

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Poems

God’s will: It’s up to him.

I see myself praying for the end
Way more than I pray for rescue
It’s made me question myself
If that’s really what I want this to lead to.

I find the answer in negative
I want to live, I want to grow
But the fear of a life sans dignity
Isn’t the life I’d want to know.

So, it’s up to him to reward me
And to lead my struggles to gold.
Or to save me from what lies ahead
If it’s a life of pain,
And unknown blows.

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