This took me so long because when something means a lot- we either want to shout it from the roof tops or we want to not utter a single word and keep it buried somewhere deep within us.

There are these people, around the world (who I think would still remember) what I thought of Linkin Park, Chester Bennington and all those songs. What they did for me back in the day, and TBH continue to do so even today.

Even if their music changed over the years resulting in not so kind feedback at times, I personally couldn’t look beyond this rawness and vulnerability coming forth through the lyrics.

And yesterday, since the news broke out, I haven’t stopped thinking… So many years. So many songs. So many difficult feelings and thoughts.

I’m very, very sorry.

Music, Movies & TV, Soulful Musings

Moving On

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At some point in our lives, we all have been forced to move on from something, someone or someplace. It is a passage of rite that we all must go through in some from or the other, with varying degrees of intensity in our lives. Yet, one hears/reads of some story every now and then that leaves one awestruck. Or simply in a state of wonder…

Have you ever found yourself lost in deep thought, thinking how did he/she do it? Maybe it seems something impossible to you, maybe it triggers the emotion of fear within you… because while the act of ‘carrying on’, you realise is necessary and admirable. It also highlights the underlying pain, struggle and loss faced by the person. And most importantly, the realisation of the fact that everything cannot be explained or understood. Everything cannot be put into words, no matter how hard we try; and even then… something always gets lost in translation. For there are things in life which need to be experienced and lived through by oneself to really get acquainted with them. There’s always something more to be felt, experienced, understood and explored. Always. And, that is the abundance of this mystery called life.

As a person who’s moving on from something which formed a gigantic part of my life, a person who’s trying to move on to something new, I can tell you this- It doesn’t happen in one day. It is, in fact, an everyday process.

There’s a wise exchange between the pivotal characters in the movie Rabit Hole which describes it pretty well:

Becca: Does it ever go away?

Nat: No, I don’t think it does. Not for me, it hasn’t – has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.

Becca: How?

Nat: I don’t know… the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and… carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you… you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and – there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful – not all the time. It’s kinda…

[deep breath]

Nat: not that you’d like it exactly, but it’s what you’ve got instead of your <whatever you have lost/ what you had to let go off>. So, you carry it around. And uh… it doesn’t go away. Which is…

Becca: Which is what?

Nat: Fine, actually.

Somedays, you’d find yourself reminiscing about happy memories and instances from the past, even if it was something unpleasant and hurtful, say, a bad relationship. Somedays, you’d find yourself getting flashbacks of what was wrong… reminding you how you had to do what you did, and how you did the right thing by leaving it all behind. And somedays, you’d find yourself in the shackles of misplaced guilt. Specially, if you’re a person (like me) who is his/her own worst critic.

But you know, what’d be most important? The most important part would be when you’ll have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on walking ahead. No matter how tempting it’d be on somedays, the desire to look back. And, the only time you would; it would be to see how far you’ve come. And, that… in itself would become the source of strength which you’d need to draw from… every. single. day.

If you’re lucky, you’ll have a friendly face around you and supportive hands on your shoulders. But if you aren’t so lucky on that front, stay strong. Remember that someone somewhere is out there, just like you and hence, you are never really alone.

Run

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Introspection

How I know that I love you

They say that love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you*.

And, if it is true then I love you.

I haven’t really had a fairytale life. Yes, I realize that I have much to thank for- food, shelter, healthy functioning mind and body, parents willing to spend on my education, safety etc. But I, like everyone else have struggled. My heart is deeply bruised, my soul has scars and in turn my mind has been affected too, it suffers. All my life, ever since I remember I used to wish for someone to care for me- as an individual. You know that concern when you just want for someone to be happy, when you want to see them smile, when you wish to take away all of their sorrows… Basically, when you feel for someone instead of your imaginary image of them. You actually want for them to be happy instead of your idea of what might give them happiness. When you’d have their back not because it is the right thing to do (given your equation with them) but because it stems from somewhere deep within.

I’ve felt that way for people. I’ve felt that way for my friends. My friends, who were my family… Until I discovered that they just didn’t care/feel the same way and I was on my own.

There are scientific models, which go on to show that a human has some basic needs and they are more than just food, water, shelter, security, and social recognition. We’re humans and we want love and affection of other humans. And, I know that I definitely do.

After having felt the knife in my back from people who are supposed to be biologically inclined to love you, and then friends followed by the one who swore to never leave my side but did out of reasons of mostly just ego and selfishness. Or maybe it simply was no longer convenient for them to love me? I really needed someone who cared about me for being me. And then, I met you.

Sure, there were moments where you treated me better than I have been treated in my life, simply because I have been treated badly- a lot. But then, I knew from the beginning that I meant nothing to you. A random passerby in the journey of your life. Sure. But nothing more than that.

I’d known; and that hurt for some odd reason.

It started out as just wanting to spend some more time with you, wishing we could be ‘friends’ in the real sense. More than just ‘once known acquaintances’. While being aware all the time that even that was too much to ask for.

When life put forth the first goodbye, I cried, it hurt but I accepted it. I thought that this was it. And, I’d always seen it coming. But apparently it was not. I’d thought that we’d just become one of those friends who just remain on your Facebook friend list. But life had other plans. We happened to cross paths again and there was again yet another occasion, which seemed like goodbye.

But apparently, it wasn’t.

And, here I am… at that point, all over again.
(I can’t tell you how much it hurts.)

Like the mature person that I am supposed to be, someone who has handled tough stuff and tough love over and over again in life, controlled her emotions, steeled her heart and found the courage somehow to move on despite parts of her getting gravely bruised each time… I have done all of that. But there’s only so much that my heart can take.

Some things needn’t have to be experienced. Or once is enough. But going through this loss over and over again is a brutal experience.

I found this quote which beautifully puts into words the predicament:

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Honestly, I’m hurting. I’m hurting a lot and sometimes I am just angry, so angry at the cosmos. I’ve questioned god. I’ve tried to change my perception of life to that of being nihilistic. I have been afraid. I am afraid, because this is so consuming.

Especially, after everything!
Especially, at this point in my life.

But despite the agony and despair, one look at that picture of yours, smiling so earnestly that I can almost hear your laughter by just looking at it, I smile. I smile because that one smile, that picture of one really happy face makes me forget my own heartaches.

And, that’s how I know that I love you.
Even though I am struggling- really, truly, deeply and suffering, as I do.
As a friend, well-wisher… call it what you may.
But I do.

 

*Wayne Dyer

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