Introspection, Poems

To be (w)hole

There’s a gaping hole
In my soul.
I no longer merely want to
decorate my house. But
create a home. With
not just things but someone I love.
And, who loves me back. In a way
that fills the cracks in my heart.
There’s no agony.
No more pain.
No reminders of
the bruises of the past.

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul

Memories that bleed…

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Funny (or is it?) how there are things that we want to move on from, how there are memories we want to forget, feelings we don’t want to ever encounter again…

We push them somewhere back into our heads and hearts. Somehow always knowing that they are not going anywhere…

We consciously make a choice every moment to not to relive them. But it can take one vulnerable moment to go back swimming in the depths of their existence, like it was just yesterday…

And, it’s quite amazing how, if we let ourselves we can remember everything with such powerful rawness, as if the wounds never healed. That infact, they are very much still bleeding, and creating a puddle of crimson in which we are sitting… right now. Right in this moment.

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul

Love Hurts

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I love this guy. And, he he loves me too, at least he says so?
So, thats it… isn’t it? That should suffice and everything else should be easy. But its not.
And, why can’t it not be?

Its not short of a miracle to be loved back by the person you love. Then, why do things have to be so difficult even when
this blessing is bestowed upon us? Why do other things have to come between it and complicate it?

There are enough complications and heartaches in life, unpredictability and zero guarantee. Then, why do we unnecessarily
complicate things when we can make the most of them?

I don’t think that I’ve had an easy life. But even in the darkest of hours, knowing that someone loves you and care for you has
made a whole lot of difference to me.

I remember that wanting to be loved was one of my very first desires that I can recall. One of the first, strongest and consistent ones.
Wanting to be loved, and to love in return. Just this hope, and this dream enabled me to carry on through the very rough of times while
growing up. And then, suddenly when I almost had it. Everything changed. Nothing else mattered. I was loved. I believed it. And,
I poured every ounce of love into the other person back in return. That unwavering faith, trust and belief that you hear about from time
to time, I had that. Not that there weren’t doubts and fears in life. Challenges and agony, still. But nothing mattered so much because
I thought that I was loved and I had someone I cared for and god, he cared for me too.

And then, one day… just like that it was all pulled from beneath me and I fell flat on my face. Every bit of me was shattered into a million
pieces even before I could really understand what was happening. It took so long for me to understand it, that the pieces were hammered
again and again, weakening me, scarring me, damaging every shred of my existence. It took long to accept it, and way too long to decide to
put an end to it.

And, to stand back up on my feet? I know not.

Some cuts are so deep, and painful that they change you. In ways you don’t even realise. They even make you resolve to never let it happen
to you again. Never give someone that kind of power.

But then again, to love is to be vulnerable.

I am not sure if this is even possible but I think I was careful. While, it didn’t took a second to understand and care for him. I took my time
to trust again. Maybe, I did all along. And, my cause of fear wasn’t doubt but the realisation that I just know one way to love. All in.
I love too strong, too much, too deep. And, in today’s world thats a flaw in itself. Threatens your survival, even.

And here I am. Shaking, shivering, crying, afraid, so afraid.
Clueless, helpless.
Praying to god for mercy.

Please make it okay.
Please don’t do this to me.
Please.

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Diaries: Echoes of my soul, Travel & Lifestyle

The road to Ireland (#6)

 #6: Goodbyes: Confession, Confusion & Closure

 

On the verge of starting a new life (as my readers would be aware), this is a momentous time for me. I’m actually flying half way across the world; I needed to fly half way across the world… to be physically and mentally in a much different place, environment and culture to re-ignite the very will to continue to live my life.

I had spent months, maybe an year or more, unable to think of a reason to continue. From someone who always had a rough plan of her life to someone who was forced to take one day… sometimes, one hour at a time; the change was immensely challenging.

So, staring right into the possibility of a possible future (which in itself is extremely big for me), I’ve finally been able to see some light over the days to come. Can’t say I can see my whole life just yet. But definitely a lot more than what I could see just a couple of months back. There’s still blindness after a period of time, but the path that’s lit up to the blindness seems longer, way longer than before.

I see this as a new chance at life, a chance to start from the scratch, the very beginning. Ground zero. Clean slate.

As of this very perspective, I had been terribly confused about something in the past few months. These thoughts would come and go out of my mind every now and then. And, being the person I am, I believe in resolving things before moving forward, if they are somethings that can be resolved. Every feeling that takes birth within us, every anxiety, every behaviour that we exhibit has a reason behind it. Thus, more often than not it is extremely important to recognise and address the root cause in order to resolve a troubling issue, accept or to move on. This is something that I truly believe in.

Without clearing the cloudiness of doubts and getting rid of the potential poison, there is no way that one can have a clean relationship with oneself, forget others. Certainly not me, I am not the passive, complacent kinds.

Therefore, I didn’t want to carry any baggage from my past life into my future life. No second guesses about things. Nothing left unsaid/ unaddressed. Everything done and dusted, once and for all. Goodbyes that needed to be said, formalities with once friends that needed to be done with, and any last words for clearing up any misunderstandings with anyone important. Closure. Clarity.

All of this mainly comprised of 3 individuals in my life, who had been extremely important to me at one point in my past life. And hence, the confusion- whether or not to say goodbye and venture into the dangerous territory which could potentially disrupt my healing process and cause my raw bruises to bleed again. Whether to go on like the never existed in my life or to give my association it’s due respect by just bidding goodbye one last time? No surprises, I chose the latter. I thought I might as well do this now rather and take time to heal again (in case anything goes wrong) rather than disrupting my new life with unnecessary thoughts.

And so, I did. 1/3 goodbyes went well. The rest two just cleared all my doubts and left a big lesson that I was investing my energies into something toxic. Wasting my emotions. So, I’m glad I did this.

Funny thing is that the person I was most apprehensive in approaching turned out to be the nicest. All in all, purpose fulfilled. Chapter closed. Now, I can move on without having to give a second thought on the other two ever.

Time really does show you the true faces of people. The masks fall off and sometimes the people we think of as saints, the people who pretend to be our true friends are really not.

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Soulful Musings

O’ B(oy)! A lazy, lovely afternoon.

Source: Google Images Actor/Model: Osman Khalid Butt

Lying on her bed in the middle of the day, she thought about the outlines of his beautiful face. Her fingers lingering lazily at every point, as she traced those soft lines, deeply filling with marvel and love with increasing intensity. 

How can someone be so beautiful inside out? 

He had just the right mix of utterly innocent beauty in his outward appearance, completely in sync with what was within, along with a naughty glint in his eyes each time he smiled. Oh, that marvellous smile could fill an entire room with the glistening light of his soul! Sometimes, he made her wonder though, if there was something that was carefully concealed beneath it all? A longing? Some sadness which threatened to break his heart? For she’d heard him call himself ‘Marvin’ from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series, a very insightful comedy writer with traces of severe depression within. And then again, he’d said himself that his poetry is where he lets himself loose and unleashes his other side, a complete contrast to the fun loving, chocolate boy demeanour that he usually had. 

And so she’d tried to read, whatever she could lay her hands on. She’d tried to read, carefully between the lines. 

Maybe he isn’t depressed, she thought to herself. Maybe, he’s just known pain a little too well. Clichéd as it maybe; maybe that’s what draws him to humour so much. For it takes tears to ascertain the real value of laughter, to see someone laugh or to make people laugh. Maybe, he IS this happy, fun loving person with a deep heart, which harbours within itself many secrets of utter wisdom. She was wise enough to know that a woman or a man could be more than just one (kind of) person. But just the thought of him suffering in any way whatsoever was deeply disturbing to her. If she could, she would take it all away from him. Or just… lessen its intensity to a comfortable degree. 

So, she quickly shrugged this thought and stared ahead at his serene form and closed eyes. 

How lucky was she to have gotten the chance to know him! Nothing short of a magical discovery, she thought. People fascinated her; their thoughts, beliefs, behaviour… But she had always known how rare it was to come across a person as earnest as him. A gorgeous artist, who’d immediately struck a chord in her heart with his very first performance that she had chanced on witnessing. The impact had left her curious enough to want to know more about him. 

It wasn’t really all that hard to know a little bit more about him in the times of the internet. But reading his own words made all the difference than just reading about him via just another source. 

She had always had a fascination with words. She always thought that an individual’s words were inherently soaked with his essence. And, she loved what she saw, what she read. That was the draw really. How he wrote about himself and his work on the social media. The topics he joked about and how he did so. His banter with friends, his replies to trolls, how he dealt with haters! And, those comical vlogs he had on YouTube. Some of which ever so subtly contained a message of change within them. In their own way, talking about the modernisation which needs to be brought within the society. A sarcastic take on the regressive thoughts and practices of his community. So unabashed, so forthcoming. She was amazed. 

And, that’s how she’d found herself falling in love- a little bit with his words & poetry; a little bit with his art; and a whole lot with him!

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