#6: Goodbyes: Confession, Confusion & Closure
On the verge of starting a new life (as my readers would be aware), this is a momentous time for me. I’m actually flying half way across the world; I needed to fly half way across the world… to be physically and mentally in a much different place, environment and culture to re-ignite the very will to continue to live my life.
I had spent months, maybe an year or more, unable to think of a reason to continue. From someone who always had a rough plan of her life to someone who was forced to take one day… sometimes, one hour at a time; the change was immensely challenging.
So, staring right into the possibility of a possible future (which in itself is extremely big for me), I’ve finally been able to see some light over the days to come. Can’t say I can see my whole life just yet. But definitely a lot more than what I could see just a couple of months back. There’s still blindness after a period of time, but the path that’s lit up to the blindness seems longer, way longer than before.
I see this as a new chance at life, a chance to start from the scratch, the very beginning. Ground zero. Clean slate.
As of this very perspective, I had been terribly confused about something in the past few months. These thoughts would come and go out of my mind every now and then. And, being the person I am, I believe in resolving things before moving forward, if they are somethings that can be resolved. Every feeling that takes birth within us, every anxiety, every behaviour that we exhibit has a reason behind it. Thus, more often than not it is extremely important to recognise and address the root cause in order to resolve a troubling issue, accept or to move on. This is something that I truly believe in.
Without clearing the cloudiness of doubts and getting rid of the potential poison, there is no way that one can have a clean relationship with oneself, forget others. Certainly not me, I am not the passive, complacent kinds.
Therefore, I didn’t want to carry any baggage from my past life into my future life. No second guesses about things. Nothing left unsaid/ unaddressed. Everything done and dusted, once and for all. Goodbyes that needed to be said, formalities with once friends that needed to be done with, and any last words for clearing up any misunderstandings with anyone important. Closure. Clarity.
All of this mainly comprised of 3 individuals in my life, who had been extremely important to me at one point in my past life. And hence, the confusion- whether or not to say goodbye and venture into the dangerous territory which could potentially disrupt my healing process and cause my raw bruises to bleed again. Whether to go on like the never existed in my life or to give my association it’s due respect by just bidding goodbye one last time? No surprises, I chose the latter. I thought I might as well do this now rather and take time to heal again (in case anything goes wrong) rather than disrupting my new life with unnecessary thoughts.
And so, I did. 1/3 goodbyes went well. The rest two just cleared all my doubts and left a big lesson that I was investing my energies into something toxic. Wasting my emotions. So, I’m glad I did this.
Funny thing is that the person I was most apprehensive in approaching turned out to be the nicest. All in all, purpose fulfilled. Chapter closed. Now, I can move on without having to give a second thought on the other two ever.
Time really does show you the true faces of people. The masks fall off and sometimes the people we think of as saints, the people who pretend to be our true friends are really not.